Genesis Buy-bull Part 2 of 3

July 27-Saturday> 2013

Okay WOW we’re just cruising along aren’t we? That our 1st part done now and on to the next part(section) of exposing the bible for the stupidity that it is!

Chapter 17:1-27

1) So God APPEARS to Abram? How does simply walking with God make him perfect?

Abram really didn’t sound so perfect when he said “go do what you want to the mother of my son, I don’t care” in chapter 16. He really sounded like a jerk.

“AND when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.”

2) Ok, what is wrong with the people who translated this? WTF?!

Who talks like this? Ok let’s look up “covenent”.

http://www.yourdictionary.com/covenant

“And I will make my covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thee exceedingly.”

So “covenant” = “agreement”.

I’m guessing God means if Abram does what God says he’ll give Abram a bunch of kids.

Oh wonderful. I wonder what God’s big old genius loving plan is?

3) Huh?

“And Abram fell on his face: and God talked with him, saying,”

4) God says what? Ok, so not just many kids, but a leader too.

“As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.”

5) Hey WTF?! I totally don’t remember this name change thing when I used to study when I was a kid.

“Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.”

6) Ok so far in verses 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 God is just being redundant and repeating itself. Yeah we know it wants to give Abraham kids! We heard it the 1st time!

“And I will make thee exceeding fruitful, and I will make nations of thee, and kings shall come out of thee.”

7) Ok, AGAIN God says it! WE GET IT! More kids and grand kids and he’ll get rewarded.

“And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee.”

8) Zzzz Ok so I think God is saying “God will use his magic powers and give good luck to all Abrahams grand kids and whoever comes after”

So wait a second. Let’s go back! Why would GOD care if he changed his stupid name?

“And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.”

9) AAAAAHHHH MAKE IT STOP!

Again it’s the same stupid thing! WTF?! Kids, covenant, kids, covenant.

“And God said unto Abraham, Thou shalt keep my covenant therefore, thou, and thy seed after thee in their generations.”

10) Ok, same thing, but NOW it’s foreskins?

Has anybody seriously thought how this makes ANY sense?

WHY DOES GOD CARE IF SOMEONE HAS A FORESKIN? DUHHHH! Which way did he go George?

“This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.”

11) So this is supposed to be my bond with God is through my penis?

Why not my belly button? Instead of foreskins, only “innys” not “outies” bond with God?

“And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.”

12) SMFH!!! Speechless.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_does_smfh_mean_in_text_language#page2

“And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.”

13) So anyone who is born, or a slave bought with money? Well that’s nice!

Yeah, cause that’s the deal.

“He that is born in thy house, and he that is bought with thy money, must needs be circumcised: and my covenant shall be in your flesh for an everlasting covenant.”

14) So you’re basically abandoned by God if you look like an ardvark! Okay, dumb!

Yeah let’s outcast people cause they can use part of their body as an ant-eater puppet!

“And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.”

15) Oh woopdee-do! God’s so amazing look what it does! It changes people’s names!

“And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.”

16) Ok, so far I have not seen the amazing power of God other than name changes and fertility of women.

“And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.”

17) Ok, use your head people. Think about this.

1st off:

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/201004/why-atheists-are-more-intelligent-the-religious

2ndly:

http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/human-rights-facts-148-life-expectancy-throughout-history/

“Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?”

18) I thought Ishmael was already born?

“And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!”

19) Well since they’re prophesised and everything, you’d think they’d stand out more and have more of an impact.

“And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.”

20) Ok let’s look this word up. “Fruitful”

Okay it is what I thought. It means “able to have kids”.

“And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.”

21) Convenant, covenant, I’m so sick of that word now!

“But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.”

22) I guess it means God flew away.

Kinda drama filled. Couldn’t God just teleport away?

“And he left off talking with him, and God went up from Abraham.”

23) Ok Abraham woulda got a serious beating should he have tried this on me!

Think about this people!

“And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham’s house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.

24) Yeah, no. Now we’re just going beyond turning ribs into women.

No full grown man is gonna cut his foreskin off unless they’re a serious whacko!

“And Abraham was ninety years old and nine, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin.”

25) WTF?! At THIRTEEN! How is that not child abuse?

I know this story isn’t real, but to think this went on back then is barbaric and just plain stupid! Yeah, belief in gods definitely sucks and is definitely stupid!

“And Ishmael his son was thirteen years old, when he was circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin”.

26) Again, this is just stupid!

“In the selfsame day was Abraham circumcised, and Ishmael his son.”

27) So glad I’m done this chapter.

“And all the men of his house, born in the house, and bought with money of the stranger, were circumcised with him.”

Ok, please no more penis cutting talk! This is just unexcusably stupid!
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July 28-Sunday> 2013

Chapter 18:1-33

Wonderful! 33 wonderful verses to go through. I can’t simply breeze through them either I guess, or religies will accuse me of “not REALLY reading it” since they try anything to avoid talking about how nothing in the bible makes any sense.

Genesis chapters 1 and 2 were easy to breeze through of course, too bad everything else has to be broken down.

1) I guess “him” means Abraham as he’s now called. More of God appearing and talking eh?

“AND the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day;”

People seriously believe a god who can do everything and knows everything is standing in someones tent door talking to them? Imbeciles. There is just no nice way to say it! I start reading this today and right off the bat it says something unbelievably stupid.

So he was in the plains of Mamre, ok let’s read on. SMFH!!!

2) Ok well obviously they didn’t see God standing there in the doorway.

“And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground,”

3) I think he means “he was looking for Abraham and wants to be his servant cause he heard he was so great.”

“And said, My Lord, if now I have found favour in thy sight, pass not away, I pray thee, from thy servant:”

4) I think Abraham is saying this, but it doesn’t say.

“Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree:”

5) I think Abraham is saying “thanx but I don’t need another servant.

“And I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort ye your hearts; after that ye shall pass on: for therefore are ye come to your servant. And they said, So do, as thou hast said.”

6) Abraham said “hurry woman make some food”.

“And Abraham hastened into the tent unto Sarah, and said, Make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth.”

7) Huh? So he went and killed a calf out of the herd and hacked a piece of it off? WTF? Maybe he just gave him a calf actually. Who knows?

Actually who cares?

“And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf tender and good, and gave it unto a young man; and he hasted to dress it.”

8) Nope definitely killed it.

“And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them; and he stood by them under the tree, and they did eat.”

9) This guys kinda nosy dontcha think?

“And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent.”

10) Sooo what is he saying here? They heard the son in the tent? She preggers?

“And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.”

11) They were old and what? Ceased to be manner of woman what?

“Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.”

12) What is she talking about? Sex? Getting herself off? What?

“Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?”

13) The lord? Where did the lord suddenly come from? WTF?! What am
I missing here?

Was the guy who wanted to be his servant really God?

Wouldn’t God magically know what Sarah was thinking with it’s telepathy and omnipotence?

“And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?”

14) Is it me? or does God sound like a braggert?

“Is any thing too hard for the LORD?At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.”

15) Ugh. So is she afraid of God, or Abraham? Who cares if she laughed, or not?

“Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.”

16) And off they went.

“And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way.”

17) Sorry, no idea.

“And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;”

18) Yeah okay. Zzzzz

“Seeing that Abraham shall surely become a great and mighty nation, and all the nations of the earth shall be blessed in him?”

19) Yeah sure. Abraham won’t command anything after he’s dead, give us a break.

“For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him.”

20) Why would God seriously care? It wouldn’t. Think about it. Sin shmin!

“And the LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous;”

21) Again, one of those “I have no idea what this chapter is saying, nor do I care” situations.

“I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.”

22) Ok so what is God doing standing there?

“And the men turned their faces from thence, and went toward Sodom: but Abraham stood yet before the LORD.”

23) Destroy who?

“And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?”

24) Interesting question. Let’s see what God says.

“Peradventure there be fifty righteous ithin the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?”

25) Yes, I’m very interested to know the answer.

“That be far from thee to do after this manner, to slay the righteous with the wicked: and that the righteous should be as the wicked, that be far from thee: Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

26) Ok well I am officially shocked. God is actually going to show mercy?

“And the LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.”

27) God is dust and ashes?

“And Abraham answered and said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the Lord, which am but dust and ashes:”

28) What is this? God is haggling for lives?

“Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.”

29) This has been like a game of “auction the lives” with God and Abraham. We’re down to 40 lives now.

“And he spake unto him yet again, and said, Peradventure there shall be forty found there. And he said, I will not do it for forty’s sake.”

30) This is turning into a game of “The Price IS Right”. 30 now.

“And he said unto him, Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak: Peradventure there shall thirty be found there. And he said, I will not do it, if I find thirty there.”

31) Zzzzzz 20 now they’re down to.

“And he said, Behold now, I have taken upon me to speak unto the Lord: Peradventure there shall be twenty found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for twenty’s sake.”

32) Zzzzzz Ok 10 innocent people in the story and God won’t destroy it.

“And he said, Oh let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten’s sake.”

33) How boring pointless and mind-numbingly dull. I have to take a 5 hour energy shot now.

“And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place.”

These stories are the worst. What have I got myself into doing these journals? Oh well I guess I am committed.
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July 29-Monday> 2013

Chapter 19:1-38

Well this sucks! 38 verses! They just keep getting bigger and bigger! I hope the chapters get shorter! Let’s hope they aren’t boring.

1) Yeah this angel appearing thing seems to be happening a lot.

“AND there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;”

2) Yeah angels need to wash their feet.

“And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant’s house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.”

3) Huh? Angels eat food too? Isn’t Satan supposed to be an angel? Hey, I just noticed we haven’t gotten to the part about Satan yet! The snake I thought was supposed to be Satan in the Adam and Eve part but no mention. So I guess it wasn’t.

“And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat.”

You gotta wonder what the angels eat in heaven? You gotta wonder why religious people never think about this? The answer is of course that they don’t and that the story is fiction and God and angels are fiction, along with the devil.

4) Why were they circling the house? Because the angels were there?

“But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:”

5) Ok, so they’re curious to see the angels eh? Well obviously they wouldn’t be scared of the crowd, they’re angels.

“And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.”

God the omnipotent being who knows everything of course knows what’s going on.

6) I guess this is the part that’s building soon where the angels kick everyones ass! Wait, maybe I’m thinking of a movie.

“And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

Uh oh Lot closed the doors behind himself. He must be serious!

7) You tell em Lot!

“And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.”

8) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE SAYS “RAPE MY 2 VIRGIN DAUGHTERS, JUST LEAVE THESE 2 DUDES ALONE!”

“Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.”

Yet God likes Lot and his angels like him too? How heroic and nobel!

9) Hmmm looks like they really want to see the angels. Well it would be kinda weird.

“And they said, Stand back. And they said again, This one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge: now will we deal worse with thee, than with them. And they pressed sore upon the man, even Lot, and came near to break the door.”

10) Uh oh.

“But the men put forth their hand, and pulled Lot into the house to them, and shut to the door.”

11) Uh, the angels made the men go blind? Ok I guess that is like a super power.

“And they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door.”

12) Well this crowd means business!

“And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:”

Oh wait a second, I just looked at the next verse and it looks like when it says “men” they mean the angels. Why wouldn’t they just say “the angels”?

13) I still don’t get the part about Lot offering his virgin daughters to get gang raped by a crowd.

So why does God need underling minions to do anything? Why send angels to destroy the city? Why not just magically do it itself? Christians are always going on and on about God being this divine supreme omnipotent being. Yes Lynda I mean you.

“For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.”

14) So he tells his family that they gotta get out of the city cause the angels are gonna destroy it.

“And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.”

15) So let’s get this straight. The crowd went away. Everyone went back to sleep after hearing about the city getting destroyed.

“And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.”

What’s the rush? Since the angels are the ones destroying the city and they’re right there?

16) Ok so just the 2 daughters who Lot gave to the crowd to get raped and the wife. Guess the son in law and everyone else are toast.

“And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city.”

Feets don’t fail me now. Again. What’s the rush if they’re with the 2 men/angels who are destroying the city.

17) Here we go mass destruction.

“And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.”

Okay not quite yet.

18) Huh?

“And Lot said unto them, Oh, not so, my Lord:”

19) What is Lot babbling about? He can’t escape to the mountains?

“Behold now, thy servant hath found grace in thy sight, and thou hast magnified thy mercy, which thou hast shewed unto me in saving my life; and I cannot escape to the mountain, lest some evil take me, and I die:”

20) Oh this is so stupid. Lot just GTFO.

“Behold now, this city is near to flee unto, and it is a little one: Oh, let me escape thither, (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live.”

We haven’t even discussed souls yet? How do these people even have a concept of “a soul”?

There is no such thing as a “soul” by the way. When you’re dead, you’re dead. A soul is just a silly delusion that people are more than just organic compositions that evolved!

21) Blah blah blah.

“And he said unto him, See, I have accepted thee concerning this thing also, that I will not overthrow this city, for the which thou hast spoken.”

22) Huh? The city getting destroyed was called Zoar, or the city he wanted to go to. The small one.

“Haste thee, escape thither; for I cannot do any thing till thou be come thither. Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar.”

23) Ok so the city he was going to.

“The sun was risen upon the earth when Lot entered into Zoar.”

24) Ok finally, all the destruction and action part.

“Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;”

Sure it did.

25) Fire and brimstone uh huh. Sure.

“And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.”

26) How does looking at something turn you into salt? Give us a break. More BS and nonsense.

“But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.”

Why doesn’t God turn people into pillars of salt all the time? Why weren’t nazis turned into pillars of salt so they didn’t kill jews?

27) He “gat up”? How red neckish?

“And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD:”

28) Funny how God doesn’t do this anymore to show us how moral and powerful it is eh?

“And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.”

29) Well how nice of God to remember Abraham. Do people not see how ridiculous this story is? God has become like Abraham’s poker buddy, or something!

“And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in the which Lot dwelt.”

30) Ok Lot is living in a cave with his daughters.

“And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.”

31) Uh oh, the “come in unto us” part used before. Which is another way of saying “sex”.

“And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:”

Why are they talking about having sex with their dad?

32) Okay. Speechless. Serious daddy issues.

“Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.”

This is messed up.

33) Somehow I doubt a woman wrote this story, though it wasn’t really Moses. Again reminding you that Moses supposedly wrote this aswell as everything we’ve covered plus the next 4 books also. Yeah sure, God told all that to Moses.

“And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.”

34) Yeah, uh WTF?!

“And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.”

35) WTF?! WTF?! WTF?! More people gotta read the bible. Do all these imbeciles even know about this “daddy rape”?

“And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.”

36) Yeah okay, incest is best. Sure.

“Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.”

What a messed up family! What a messed up story.

Funny how these bible loving people nowadays would throw Lot in jail for having sex with his daughters.

37) Huh? Moabites? What Moabites this day? How retarded?

“And the firstborn bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.”

38) Oh who cares?

“And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.”

Gee nothing in the chapter mourning Lot’s wife. Who cares about her right?

July 30-Tuesday> 2013

Chapter 20:1-18

Awesome! There’s only 18 verses. I so hope I can just breeze through this without it just being completely stupid. Oh who am I kidding? It’s the bible!

1) I’m not gonna remember these places, so who cares?

“AND Abraham journeyed from thence toward the south country, and dwelled between Kadesh and Shur, and sojourned in Gerar.”

2) So Abraham’s doing the old “she’s my sister thing” again.

“And Abraham said of Sarah his wife, She is my sister: and Abimelech king of Gerar sent, and took Sarah.”

3) Oh the old “God came to him in a dream” story. People should start using that line in court more often nowadays.

“But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man’s wife.”

4) Was this talking in the dream still?

“But Abimelech had not come near her: and he said, Lord, wilt thou slay also a righteous nation?”

5) These are indepth conversations with God that Abraham had with it! So Moses was told all this?

“Said he not unto me, She is my sister? and she, even she herself said, He is my brother: in the integrity of my heart and innocency of my hands have I done this.”

6) So God said basically “yeah dude I know you’re not that bad a guy, but just leave that woman alone”.

Uh, isn’t Sarah like an old lady that you wouldn’t wanna touch with a 10 foot pool anyway?

“And God said unto him in a dream, Yea, I know that thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart; for I also withheld thee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her.”

7) So let’s see here. Rather than simply manipulate the laws of the universe and make them leave Sarah alone, God has decided to talk to Abimelech in dreams and threaten him. How dumb.

“Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live: and if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine.”

8) They were afraid? They were afraid their king was a nutcase!

“Therefore Abimelech rose early in the morning, and called all his servants, and told all these things in their ears: and the men were sore afraid.”

9) Abraham didn’t do anything.

“Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? and what have I offended thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done.”

10) Huh?? What did he do? Who wrote this gibberish?

“And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What sawest thou, that thou hast done this thing?”

11) Ok sorry, I’m lost, but I also fail to see what learning what this means even matters!

“And Abraham said, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife’s sake.”

12) This reminds me of Abbott and Costello’s who’s on first?

“And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.”

So you married your sister? Huh?

13) Uh yeah ok. Boring. Who cares about their cover story. This is like a soap opera now.

“And it came to pass, when God caused me to wander from my father’s house, that I said unto her, This is thy kindness which thou shalt shew unto me; at every place whither we shall come, say of me, He is my brother.”

14) Ok is this a retelling of the same story from chapter 12? It seems that way.

“And Abimelech took sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and womenservants, and gave them unto Abraham, and restored him Sarah his wife.”

15) Well that dream sure freaked Abimelech out. Look at him kissing Abraham’s ass.

“And Abimelech said, Behold, my land is before thee: dwell where it pleaseth thee.”

16) Oh this is so boring I can’t even see myself writing an analysis of it. Who cares?

And unto Sarah he said, Behold, I have given thy brother a thousand pieces of silver: behold, he is to thee a covering of the eyes, unto all that are with thee, and with all other: thus she was reproved.

17) Who knew they were sick?

“So Abraham prayed unto God: and God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bare children.”

18) Yeah cause God could really be bothered with petty nonsense like this!

“For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech, because of Sarah Abraham’s wife.”

Okay I might be wrong, but this was the most boring chapter yet! I think. Does anyone feel like a better person yet?

July 31-Wednesday> 2013

Chapter 21:1-34

Okay back for more disgust and shakings of the head and more WTF’s.

I just want there to be something that makes sense and isn’t boring. At the very least.

1) LOL So God banged Sarah? So it wasn’t just Mary who had that happen? People don’t see how that’s a little unbelievable?

The omnipotent master of the universe is out having sex with old ladies?

“AND the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken.”

2) Yeah, no she didn’t and this is more proof that this story is completely made up rubbish.

“For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.”

Here is a world record TODAY, with modern science and medicine of a 70 year old lady having child birth.

http://www.worldrecordacademy.com/human/oldest_mother-world_record_set_by_Omkari_Panwar_80287.htm

People can say “oh, but it’s God and God does miracles”.

Listen, if you think a 4000 year old story of an old lady having a baby is a miracle and proof of God, but 7 million people getting thrown in gas ovens isn’t proof that there ISN’T, then you might want to seek out a psychiatrist.

3) Good for him

“And Abraham called the name of his son that was born unto him, whom Sarah bare to him, Isaac.”

4) Yeah cause God could really cares that dudes look like banana peppers down there! Think about this people!

“And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac being eight days old, as God had commanded him.”

Delusional stupidity and child abuse.

5) Ok I am going to send this link one more time.

http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/human-rights-facts-148-life-expectancy-throughout-history/

“And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him.”

6) Isn’t that special?

“And Sarah said, God hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me.”

7) Yes yes we get the idea. Hard to believe. We know.

“And she said, Who would have said unto Abraham, that Sarah should have given children suck? for I have born him a son in his old age.”

8) Good for them. Who cares?

“And the child grew, and was weaned: and Abraham made a great feast the same day that Isaac was weaned.”

9) Wonderful. More petty soap opera nonsense!

“And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking.”

10) Oh whatever. They’re brothers.

“Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.”

11) What was grievous?

“And the thing was very grievous in Abraham’s sight because of his son.”

12) No idea what God supposedly said here, but who is stupid enough to believe that God actually would give a crap about petty squabbles.

“And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.”

13) Well how about that? As long as you were born from Abraham you’re given land and power.

“And also of the son of the bondwoman will I make a nation, because he is thy seed.”

14) Sooo he kicked Hagar out? With his son? By herself? Into the wilderness? God was okay with this?

Nobody finds this a little cold hearted and douchey scumbaggy?

“And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beer-sheba.”

15) How nice.

“And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs.”

16) Well that makes sense. Good job there God’s little buddy Abraham.

“And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bowshot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept.”

17) Yeah angels heard all this going on in heaven. This happens all the time.

“And God heard the voice of the lad; and the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said unto her, What aileth thee, Hagar? fear not; for God hath heard the voice of the lad where he is.”

18) Oh that’s so helpful.

“Arise, lift up the lad, and hold him in thine hand; for I will make him a great nation.”

19) How nice of God to magically make a well appear. Too bad about all the 150,000 people murdered by the Aztecs for centuries as human sacrifices.

“And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.”

20) This reminds me of Tarzan.

“And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.”

21) Well at least they stayed in touch.

“And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.”

22) So bored reading this. I mean this is so boring!

So Abraham is known for being God’s buddy I guess.

“And it came to pass at that time, that Abimelech and Phichol the chief captain of his host spake unto Abraham, saying, God is with thee in all that thou doest:”

23) Yeah, cause people can tell God what to do.

“Now therefore swear unto me here by God that thou wilt not deal falsely with me, nor with my son, nor with my son’s son: but according to the kindness that I have done unto thee, thou shalt do unto me, and to the land wherein thou hast sojourned.”

24) What a big shot

“And Abraham said, I will swear.”

25) He “reproved”? Over a well of water? Huh? WTF?!

“And Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech’s servants had violently taken away.”

26) Heard of what? Actually don’t tell me. I’m bored enough as it is. I also really don’t care.

If they can’t make it understandable and interesting then that isn’t my problem.

“And Abimelech said, I wot not who hath done this thing: neither didst thou tell me, neither yet heard I of it, but to day.”

27) So they made a deal? For God’s protection? How lame!

“And Abraham took sheep and oxen, and gave them unto Abimelech; and both of them made a covenant.

28) Why?

“And Abraham set seven ewe lambs of the flock by themselves.”

29) Yeah, why? Please do tell us?

“And Abimelech said unto Abraham, What mean these seven ewe lambs which thou hast set by themselves?”

30) Huh? 7 lambs are witnesses that be dug a well? Ok this is just painful to read because of how stupid it is!

“And he said, For these seven ewe lambs shalt thou take of my hand, that they may be a witness unto me, that I have digged this well.”

31) Oh who cares? Call it “Waba waba kababa” for all I care!

“Wherefore he called that place Beer-sheba; because there they sware both of them.”

32) Oh great. It’s that wonderful covenant word again.

Ok, so seriously then, they made the deal, then went back home to Philistine, okay got it.

“Thus they made a covenant at Beer-sheba: then Abimelech rose up, and Phichol the chief captain of his host, and they returned into the land of the Philistines.”

33) This is just mind numbingly boring. I mean I don’t have ADD or anything and I’m being serious. This is beyond boring. No wonder there’s so many idiot believers who believe in this bible. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GET THROUGH IT CAUSE IT’S SO BORING!

“And Abraham planted a grove in Beer-sheba, and called there on the name of the LORD, the everlasting God.”

34) Oh who cares? Let him stay there!

“And Abraham sojourned in the Philistines’ land many days.”

This is crazy. It took me like 3 hours to do this cause I kept falling asleep writing this. I gotta have rocks in my head for doing this. I haven’t turned my Xbox on in weeks! I’m only on Genesis too! Ugh!

Aug 1-Thursday> 2013

Chapter 22:1-24

So there’s 24 chapters today! Let’s see if I can make a record of getting this done.

1) Ugh. This is unbelievably stupid right off the bat!

“AND it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.”

2) Oh this stupid story.

“And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.”

3) Now tell me this isn’t demented?

“And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.”

4) Yeah yeah just get to the story.

“Then on the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes, and saw the place afar off.”

5) Details details.

“And Abraham said unto his young men, Abide ye here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and worship, and come again to you.”

6) Demented. Just demented.

And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

7) And reading this book is supposed to make people better how?

“And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?”

8) Creepy psycho Dad.

“And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.”

9) Ok, I know this story isn’t true and is just a story, but quite a sick story isn’t it? Stephen King couldn’t write crazier more messed up than this.

“And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

10) Just another day,

“And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.”

11) Not God itself,

“And the angel of the LORD called unto him out of heaven, and said, Abraham, Abraham: and he said, Here am I.

12) Yeah cause God would really do something so childish and stupid.

“And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

13) Yeah cause God really cares about burnt sacrifices! Think about this people.

“And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.”

14) Yeah never heard of it.

“And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: as it is said to this day, In the mount of the LORD it shall be seen.”

15) Ok it’s getting all mushy now.

“And the angel of the LORD called unto Abraham out of heaven the second time,”

16) Again, why an angel now and not God talkin to Abraham.

“And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the LORD, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:”

17) Oh ok, yeah whatever. How dumb.

“That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;”

Wake up people. Do you not see how non-sensical and stupid this is?

Let’s say I was brainwashed too and was at the very least a deist, I would not interpret this in any way of being a divine being behind this idiocy!

18) Oh whatever! Yeah cause God really does this and even cares the tiniest bit of a crap!

“And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.”

19) Yawn. So what?

“So Abraham returned unto his young men, and they rose up and went together to Beer-sheba; and Abraham dwelt at Beer-sheba.”

20) Double yawn.

And it came to pass after these things, that it was told Abraham, saying, Behold, Milcah, she hath also born children unto thy brother Nahor;

21) Names names names.

“Huz his firstborn, and Buz his brother, and Kemuel the father of Aram,”

22) Ugh more names.

“And Chesed, and Hazo, and Pildash, and Jidlaph, and Bethuel.”

23) Don’t care.

“And Bethuel begat Rebekah: these eight Milcah did bear to Nahor, Abraham’s brother.”

24) Concubine? How nice & to make her have your kids.

“And his concubine, whose name was Reumah, she bare also Tebah, and Gaham, and Thahash, and Maachah.”

Started to get worried when I seen the names. Hey that was quick!.

Aug 2-Friday> 2013

Chapter 23:1-20

Back again. What wonderful stupidity will we come across today.

1) Again gonna post this everytime this comes up.

http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/human-rights-facts-148-life-expectancy-throughout-history/

“AND Sarah was an hundred and seven and twenty years old: these were the years of the life of Sarah.”

2) Well she must have meant a lot to him considering that he told Hagar the mother of his child to take herself and THEIR son out into the wilderness on their own and didn’t seem to care.

Also that he was going to kill his own other son Issac without even a second thought.

“And Sarah died in Kirjath-arba; the same is Hebron in the land of Canaan: and Abraham came to mourn for Sarah, and to weep for her.”

3-4) Sons of “Heth”? Great I just looked through the last 5 chapters and couldn’t find “Heth” anything.

“And Abraham stood up from before his dead, and spake unto the sons of Heth, saying, I am a stranger and a sojourner with you: give me a possession of a buryingplace with you, that I may bury my dead out of my sight.”

5-6) Well Abraham sure has everyone convinced that he’s got God as his bestie doesn’t he?

“And the children of Heth answered Abraham, saying unto him, Hear us, my lord: thou art a mighty prince among us: in the choice of our sepulchres bury thy dead; none of us shall withhold from thee his sepulchre, but that thou mayest bury thy dead.”

7) Ok he bowed. How boring!

“And Abraham stood up, and bowed himself to the people of the land, even to the children of Heth.”

8-9) Huh? “Intreat” for me to Ephron the son of Zohar? No idea what this means, nor do I care.

“And he communed with them, saying, If it be your mind that I should bury my dead out of my sight; hear me, and intreat for me to Ephron the son of Zohar, That he may give me the cave of Machpelah, which he hath, which is in the end of his field; for as much money as it is worth he shall give it me for a possession of a buryingplace amongst you.

So bored from reading that over and over!

10-11) Ok, yeah, yeah. Abraham gets a cave to bury his wife and future family members.

“And Ephron dwelt among the children of Heth: and Ephron the Hittite answered Abraham in the audience of the children of Heth, even of all that went in at the gate of his city, saying, Nay, my lord, hear me: the field give I thee, and the cave that is therein, I give it thee; in the presence of the sons of my people give I it thee: bury thy dead.”

12) He bows again Zzzzzzz

“And Abraham bowed down himself before the people of the land.”

13) WTF?! Did they not just him the cave? That wasn’t good enough? He’s gotta have the field? What’s the difference?

“And he spake unto Ephron in the audience of the people of the land, saying, But if thou wilt give it, I pray thee, hear me: I will give thee money for the field; take it of me, and I will bury my dead there.”

14-15) So boring. Ok yeah he wants 400 shekels.

“And Ephron answered Abraham, saying unto him, My lord, hearken unto me: the land is worth four hundred shekels of silver; what is that betwixt me and thee? bury therefore thy dead.”

16) So he gave him the shekels. Yawn.

“And Abraham hearkened unto Ephron; and Abraham weighed to Ephron the silver, which he had named in the audience of the sons of Heth, four hundred shekels of silver, current money with the merchant.”

17-18) Yeah ok, it’s Abraham’s now we get it.

“And the field of Ephron, which was in Machpelah, which was before Mamre, the field, and the cave which was therein, and all the trees that were in the field, that were in all the borders round about, were made sure Unto Abraham for a possession in the presence of the children of Heth, before all that went in at the gate of his city.”

19) Ok he buried her there, in the cave, in the field. Wonderful.

And after this, Abraham buried Sarah his wife in the cave of the field of Machpelah before Mamre: the same is Hebron in the land of Canaan.

20) Why must they drag things out like this? It’s like they keep saying the same things over and over.

“And the field, and the cave that is therein, were made sure unto Abraham for a possession of a buryingplace by the sons of Heth.”

Ok at least it was only 20 verses. I think this was probably the most boring chapter yet, but I think I say that every time.

So hard to keep eyes open reading this over and over trying to understand it because it’s so stupid!

Aug 3-Saturday> 2013

Chapter 24:1-67

WHAT?! 67 VERSES! That sucks! Oh well, I got myself into this mess! I gotta finish what I started. Hopefully I can just compress them.

1) Yeah of course he did. God just randomly picked him out and decided to be his buddy rather than other people.

“AND Abraham was old, and well stricken in age: and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things.”

2) Why’s he asking his servant to fondle his butt?

“And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh:”

3) Well Abraham sure was a hateful prejudiced old bugger wasn’t he? This was God’s buddy?

“And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell:”

4) WOW! It’s like Abraham is Archie Bunker but in the bible!

“But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.”

Do people not see how bad of an example this is? No wonder christianity is the cause of so much bigotry and hatred.

5) Ok there’s that stupid word again “peradventure”. I finally went and looked it up.
http://www.yourdictionary.com/peradventure

Means “perhaps” and “possibly” and “to doubt”.

“And the servant said unto him, Peradventure the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from whence thou camest?”

From the sounds of things the women aren’t that hard to pick up back then. I mean they seem to find wrinkly old ladies attractive, so it doesn’t seem that hard.

6) Ok and now this stupid word “thither”
http://www.yourdictionary.com/thither

Means “to go toward somewhere.”

“And Abraham said unto him, Beware thou that thou bring not my son thither again.”

Even with the definition of thither it still sounds retarded and doesn’t make any sense! Oh well, who cares?

7) Yeah God really could be bothered to go wife hunting instead of stopping diseases, famine, rape, murder, birth defects, deafness and blindness!

“The LORD God of heaven, which took me from my father’s house, and from the land of my kindred, and which spake unto me, and that sware unto me, saying, Unto thy seed will I give this land; he shall send his angel before thee, and thou shalt take a wife unto my son from thence.”

How do they not see how stupid this is?

8) Well look at that. Just barkin the orders at God and giving demands!

“And if the woman will not be willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this my oath: only bring not my son thither again.”

9) Why massage his butt again?

“And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and sware to him concerning that matter.”

10) Really? 10 camels? That’s be like the first train!

“And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.”

11) Creepy dude.

“And he made his camels to kneel down without the city by a well of water at the time of the evening, even the time that women go out to draw water.”

12) Well how about that?

And he said, O LORD God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham.

13) So servant guy doesn’t have a name? What, so God never told Moses his servants name but all the hundreds of other names?

“Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:”

14) Yep super creepy!

“And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.”

Ok this is how a crazy person talks by todays standards.

15) Suuuuure. Just like that.

“And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.”

16) He knew she was a virgin how? I mean back then brothers and sisters had sex and fathers raped their daughters and daughters raped fathers Probably weren’t many virgins.

“And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up.”

17) Ok, again if this happened nowadays 9-11 would be called!

“And the servant ran to meet her, and said, Let me, I pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher.”

18) Well it is just water from a well. I mean u kinda gotta boil it first before you drink it don’t you, or you get diarrhea?

“And she said, Drink, my lord: and she hasted, and let down her pitcher upon her hand, and gave him drink.”

19) Could it be that she was just really creeped out and just wanted him to leave, so she was helping him so he’d hurry up and leave!

“And when she had done giving him drink, she said, I will draw water for thy camels also, until they have done drinking.”

20) Again, most likely cause she just wanted him too leave.

“And she hasted, and emptied her pitcher into the trough, and ran again unto the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels.”

21) Ok, too boring for commentary!

“And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.”

22) Ok, I’m sorry, this is just too stupid, annoying and boring. I soooo don’t care!

“And it came to pass, as the camels had done drinking, that the man took a golden earring of half a shekel weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold;”

23) Pretty nervy back then weren’t they?

“And said, Whose daughter art thou? tell me, I pray thee: is there room in thy father’s house for us to lodge in?”

24) Ugh, as if it couldnt get any more boring. They had to start listing all the names again!

“And she said unto him, I am the daughter of Bethuel the son of Milcah, which she bare unto Nahor.”

25) She saw the bling!

“She said moreover unto him, We have both straw and provender enough, and room to lodge in.”

26) What an idiot!

“And the man bowed down his head, and worshipped the LORD.”

27) What a loser! Oh wait! I forgot that this never happened!

“And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master’s brethren.”

28) She would be wise to run! This guy’s crazy!

“And the damsel ran, and told them of her mother’s house these things.”

29) As a brother should when some creepy stranger starts saying nonsense and being creepy to his sister!

“And Rebekah had a brother, and his name was Laban: and Laban ran out unto the man, unto the well.”

30) Ok, so it looks like the servant, let’s call him “jeeves”, has impressed them both

“And it came to pass, when he saw the earring and bracelets upon his sister’s hands, and when he heard the words of Rebekah his sister, saying, Thus spake the man unto me; that he came unto the man; and, behold, he stood by the camels at the well.”

31) Yep. money talks.

“And he said, Come in, thou blessed of the LORD; wherefore standest thou without? for I have prepared the house, and room for the camels.”

32) Okay blah, blah, blah. In the house, he washed everyones feet. Who cares?

“And the man came into the house: and he ungirded his camels, and gave straw and provender for the camels, and water to wash his feet, and the men’s feet that were with him.”

33) I would have ate first.

“And there was set meat before him to eat: but he said, I will not eat, until I have told mine errand. And he said, Speak on.”

34) Zzzzzzzzz

And he said, I am Abraham’s servant.

35) Again. Weirdo.

“And the LORD hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses.”

36) At least the bible is teaching people to love people for themselves and not their money! Oh wait a second, not it isn’t.

“And Sarah my master’s wife bare a son to my master when she was old: and unto him hath he given all that he hath.”

37) At least the bible is teaching that people shouldn’t be bigotted and hateful. Oh wait, no it isn’t!

“And my master made me swear, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife to my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I dwell:”

38) Hey, he’s got money! It’s a messed up story but who cares? He’s got money and stuff!

“But thou shalt go unto my father’s house, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son.

39) He should just keep talking about the money and stuff he owns. It seems to be working.

“And I said unto my master, Peradventure the woman will not follow me.”

40) Uh huh, uh huh. Hey he’s got camels and money. Who cares what he says at this point?

“And he said unto me, The LORD, before whom I walk, will send his angel with thee, and prosper thy way; and thou shalt take a wife for my son of my kindred, and of my father’s house:”

Damn they must be poor to listen this dummy. Oh yeah I forgot. This never happened.

41) Derp derp bibble blop yadda yadda.

“Then shalt thou be clear from this my oath, when thou comest to my kindred; and if they give not thee one, thou shalt be clear from my oath.”

42) At this point it’s gotta be about the money, or people were just real superstitious idiots! Oh wait! I forgot, this never happened!

“And I came this day unto the well, and said, O LORD God of my master Abraham, if now thou do prosper my way which I go:”

43) Why does this chapter have to be so long? We get it! The wish came true!

“Behold, I stand by the well of water; and it shall come to pass, that when the virgin cometh forth to draw water, and I say to her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water of thy pitcher to drink;”

44) More of the same.

“And she say to me, Both drink thou, and I will also draw for thy camels: let the same be the woman whom the LORD hath appointed out for my master’s son.”

45) Yes, yes, the prediction came true. Blah blah blah!

“And before I had done speaking in mine heart, behold, Rebekah came forth with her pitcher on her shoulder; and she went down unto the well, and drew water: and I said unto her, Let me drink, I pray thee.”

46) It just goes on and on and on! WE GET IT!

“And she made haste, and let down her pitcher from her shoulder, and said, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: so I drank, and she made the camels drink also.”

47) It’s a miracle zzzzzzzzzzz

“And I asked her, and said, Whose daughter art thou? And she said, The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor’s son, whom Milcah bare unto him: and I put the earring upon her face, and the bracelets upon her hands.”

48) Huh! WTF? “Master’s brothers daughter?

“And I bowed down my head, and worshipped the LORD, and blessed the LORD God of my master Abraham, which had led me in the right way to take my master’s brother’s daughter unto his son.”

I guess “Incest is best” is the philosophy back then!

49) No idea what this means. Oh well.

“And now if ye will deal kindly and truly with my master, tell me: and if not, tell me; that I may turn to the right hand, or to the left.”

50) They don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not? Oh who knows?

“Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good.”

51) Wow! Rebekah didn’t have much of a say did she? I wonder how much the servant paid for her?

“Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master’s son’s wife, as the LORD hath spoken.”

52) Then Jeeves us an idiot!

“And it came to pass, that, when Abraham’s servant heard their words, he worshipped the LORD, bowing himself to the earth.”

53) Yep, money talks for sure!

“And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things.”

54) Party time is over!

And they did eat and drink, he and the men that were with him, and tarried all night; and they rose up in the morning, and he said, Send me away unto my master.

55) In a sane situation they would tale the jewels and stuff and flee!

“And her brother and her mother said, Let the damsel abide with us a few days, at the least ten; after that she shall go.”

56) Gee, they just wanted to spend a few days with the daughter since they probably will never see her again, but no. They won’t give an inch.

“And he said unto them, Hinder me not, seeing the LORD hath prospered my way; send me away that I may go to my master.”

57) Really? They’re actually asking her? Well that’s new!

And they said, We will call the damsel, and enquire at her mouth.

58) Well look at them acting all modern and civilized!

“And they called Rebekah, and said unto her, Wilt thou go with this man? And she said, I will go.”

59) They weren’t big on long goodbyes obviously.

“And they sent away Rebekah their sister, and her nurse, and Abraham’s servant, and his men.”

60) Well look at all this blessing stuff like it actually means something!

“And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them.”

61) Money talks!

“And Rebekah arose, and her damsels, and they rode upon the camels, and followed the man: and the servant took Rebekah, and went his way.”

62) I hate chick flicks, so you can imagine how much I hate this abomination!

“And Isaac came from the way of the well Lahai-roi; for he dwelt in the south country.”

63) Yeah cause camels were so uncommon there and then.

“And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming.”

64) Oh please let this end soon.

“And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.”

65) How pathetic is this guy? Mathterrr
Mathterrrr I gots a woming for you Mathterrr.

“For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself.”

66) Oh whatever. If I want a love story I’ll rent one. Actually to be honest, I hate love stories. Although I did like this one called “Source Code”.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Source_Code

“And the servant told Isaac all things that he had done.”

67) He “took” her? Such dirty language!

“And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”

WOW! That wasn’t completely time consuming, or anything. Total sarcasm. So boring!

Aug 4-Sunday> 2013

Chapter 25:1-34

Ok, I’m back for more mental
punishment.

1) Wow these woman must be desperate.

“THEN again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah.”

2) It sounded like Abraham was on his deathbed last chapter WTF? Now he’s having more kids?

“And she bare him Zimran, and Jokshan, and Medan, and Midian, and Ishbak, and Shuah.”

3-4) Nooooo! Not more ridiculously unnecessary listings of family. Zzzzzzzzz

And Jokshan begat Sheba, and Dedan. And the sons of Dedan were Asshurim, and Letushim, and Leummim.
And the sons of Midian; Ephah, and Epher, and Hanoch, and Abida, and Eldaah. All these were the children of Keturah.

5) The number one son gets it all.

“And Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac.”

6) The sons of the concubines? What about the daughters? Wait…. he sent them away? Why? Cause Issac was that special?

“But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country.”

7) Ok, AGAIN people did not live long lives back then and this is completely fictious. People lived an average of 35 years old then.

“And these are the days of the years of Abraham’s life which he lived, an hundred threescore and fifteen years.”

8) Gave up the ghost? Huh? What does that mean?

“Then Abraham gave up the ghost, and died in a good old age, an old man, and full of years; and was gathered to his people.”

9) Where did Ishmael come from? Didn’t Abraham kick him and his mom out and didn’t she leave him wandering in the woods killing stuff back in chapter 21?

Where did Ishmael all of a sudden come from and caring so much about his deadbeat dad?

“And his sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah, in the field of Ephron the son of Zohar the Hittite, which is before Mamre;”

10) Uh huh, yeah they were buried there,

“The field which Abraham purchased of the sons of Heth: there was Abraham buried, and Sarah his wife.”

11) Ok so let’s define the word “blessed” here. What does that even mean? Does it mean “God zapped Issac in ‘magic’ good luck energy”?

Let’s look it up:

http://www.yourdictionary.com/blessed

Hmmm I think it’s still kind of vague about what exactly “blessed” really means.

“And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed his son Isaac; and Isaac dwelt by the well Lahai-roi.”

He “dwelt by the well”? Meaning what? So again, it sure would be nice if the bible would actually have a point and not be so vague and stupid.

12) YAAY! More listing of names!

“Now these are the generations of Ishmael, Abraham’s son, whom Hagar the Egyptian, Sarah’s handmaid, bare unto Abraham:”

13) Why does the bible repeat itself so much? Yes we know we’re going to get tortured to listening to names of kids.

“And these are the names of the sons of Ishmael, by their names, according to their generations: the firstborn of Ishmael, Nebajoth; and Kedar, and Adbeel, and Mibsam,”

14) Zzzzzzzzzz

“And Mishma, and Dumah, and Massa,”

15) Make it stop! Oh please make it stop!

“Hadar, and Tema, Jetur, Naphish, and Kedemah:”

16) Ok, is this supposed to be foreshadowing into the future?

“These are the sons of Ishmael, and these are their names, by their towns, and by their castles; twelve princes according to their nations.”

17) So Ishmael lived 137 years? Give us a break! What’s with this “gave up the ghost” garbage again?

“And these are the years of the life of Ishmael, an hundred and thirty and seven years: and he gave up the ghost and died; and was gathered unto his people.”

18) This is so painfully boring. I can’t believe I’m reading this and not getting paid to. I just am so sick of these god bothering nutcases telling me to read this and telling me how enlightened I’ll be.

How anyone can read this and STILL be a believer is mind blowing.

“And they dwelt from Havilah unto Shur, that is before Egypt, as thou goest toward Assyria: and he died in the presence of all his brethren.”

Zzzzzzzzzz

19) Oh who cares? Even if their names appear later on and I don’t remember, so what? There’s nothing meaningful, or even educational involved.

“And these are the generations of Isaac, Abraham’s son: Abraham begat Isaac:”

20) Zzzzzzzzzzzz

“And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah to wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padan-aram, the sister to Laban the Syrian.”

Hey wait. It sounds like it’s saying Rebekah was the daughter of Bethuel and was the sister of Laban. Huh?

21) Oh stop it with this pregnancy miracle nonsense! That’s as pathetic as saying you dreamnt of God.

“And Isaac intreated the LORD for his wife, because she was barren: and the LORD was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived.”

22) The children struggled within her? Huh? WTF?!

“And the children struggled together within her; and she said, If it be so, why am I thus? And she went to enquire of the LORD.” Ask God what?

23) Ok, so more of those prophesies and more of this God talking to people nonsense.

What’s with this “bowel” idiocy again?

Why would God be making this prediction? Obviously if it’s making this prediction about people being at each others throats then it could have simply prevented it but it chose not to.

“And the LORD said unto her, Two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger.”

That fact that people believe this just blows my mind. I mean seriously it’s gotten to the point where I’m doubting my own sanity! There’s just no way so many people could be this stupid!

24) Yaay twins! Who ha!

“And when her days to be delivered were fulfilled, behold, there were twins in her womb.”

25) Unnecessary details. His name was Esau got it. I’ll remember that easy since it only has 4 letters. Stands for “Extremely Stupid And Unnecessary”.

“And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.”

26) Issac was “threescore”. Since “score” means “20”, that means he was 60.

“And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau’s heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.”

27) Ok sure they grew up.

“And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.”

28) Great, more soap opera stupidity.

“And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob.”

29) What does this mean? I have no idea.

“And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:”

30) So confused. This is beyond retarded.

“And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.”

31) Huh? Birthright?

“And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.”

32) So annoyed and irritated reading this gibberish.

“And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?”

33) There really is no other way to describe this other than “gibberish”.

“And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.”

34) Ok maybe you could also call this “gobblety gook”.

“Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.”

Alrighty that’s another chapter done. Now if only the chapters would just make sense and weren’t so unbelievably retarded.

Aug 5-Monday> 2013

Chapter 26:1-35

Well I almost completely forgot doing this today, so I guess that means I really do not have my heart set on it.

35 verses. YAAY (punches self in head several times)

1) Well so much for being blessed,

“AND there was a famine in the land, beside the first famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went unto Abimelech king of the Philistines unto Gerar.”

2) WOW! Another appearance of GOD.

Whatever. How about God just uses it’s magic to end the famine?

“And the LORD appeared unto him, and said, Go not down into Egypt; dwell in the land which I shall tell thee of:”

This is God’s wonderful power? The power of “moving”?

3) Again, the omnipotent master of the universe would care why?

“Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;”

4) Promises promises. Again, there is no logic in God even caring about anything whatsover. Just like the Aztecs killing 150,000 people a year so the sun would come up was stupid.

“And I will make thy seed to multiply as the stars of heaven, and will give unto thy seed all these countries; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed;”

5) Yeah like the law of the cut foreskin. Suuuure.

“Because that Abraham obeyed my voice, and kept my charge, my commandments, my statutes, and my laws.”

6) Good for him.

“And Isaac dwelt in Gerar:”

7) Well so much for having the omnipotent master of the universe watching your back.

“And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.”

8) Busted.

“And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.”

9) Again, so much for having the omnipotent master of the universe watching your back.

“And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife: and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her.”

10) Ok, do people not see the idiotic mentality of these peoples superstitious minds?

“And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.”

11) So why not just say this to everybody in the first place?

“And Abimelech charged all his people, saying, He that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.”

12) Ooooh more good luck blessing powers.

“Then Isaac sowed in that land, and received in the same year an hundredfold: and the LORD blessed him.”

13) Man waxed? Ouch, that brings up memories. Sorry.

And the man waxed great, and went forward, and grew until he became very great:

There’s nothing great about man waxing. I had my chest waxed once. So painful.

14) Ok, boring again. Yeah, yeah, Issac had lots of stuff cause he was God’s little buddy.

“For he had possession of flocks, and possession of herds, and great store of servants: and the Philistines envied him.”

15) Why? Aren’t wells a good thing?

“For all the wells which his father’s servants had digged in the days of Abraham his father, the Philistines had stopped them, and filled them with earth.”

16) Oh who talks like this. Whatever.

“And Abimelech said unto Isaac, Go from us; for thou art much mightier than we.”

17) Yawn.

“And Isaac departed thence, and pitched his tent in the valley of Gerar, and dwelt there.”

18) So why did they fill the other wells with dirt again?

“And Isaac digged again the wells of water, which they had digged in the days of Abraham his father; for the Philistines had stopped them after the death of Abraham: and he called their names after the names by which his father had called them.”

19) So boring.

“And Isaac’s servants digged in the valley, and found there a well of springing water.”

20) Yeah let’s name the well. Oh who cares?

“And the herdmen of Gerar did strive with Isaac’s herdmen, saying, The water is ours: and he called the name of the well Esek; because they strove with him.”

21) Zzzzzz more naming of wells.

And they digged another well, and strove for that also: and he called the name of it Sitnah.

22) Ok, I’m drinking a Red Bull. This is far too boring.

“And he removed from thence, and digged another well; and for that they strove not: and he called the name of it Rehoboth; and he said, For now the LORD hath made room for us, and we shall be fruitful in the land.”

23) Zzzzzzz

“And he went up from thence to Beer-sheba.”

24) Great, More God appearing to someone.

“And the LORD appeared unto him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham thy father: fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Abraham’s sake.”

It’s just the same thing over and over.

25) Yeah cause God just has to have alters built.

“And he builded an altar there, and called upon the name of the LORD and pitched his tent there: and there Isaac’s servants digged a well.”

26) Zzzzzzzzzzz

“Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and Ahuzzath one of his friends, and Phichol the chief captain of his army.”

27) Boo-hoo.

“And Isaac said unto them, Wherefore come ye to me, seeing ye hate me, and have sent me away from you?”

28) Great, so they want some of Issacs good luck powers.

“And they said, We saw certainly that the LORD was with thee: and we said, Let there be now an oath betwixt us, even betwixt us and thee, and let us make a covenant with thee;”

29) What does God think of Issac handing out God’s blessing?

“That thou wilt do us no hurt, as we have not touched thee, and as we have done unto thee nothing but good, and have sent thee away in peace: thou art now the blessed of the LORD.”

30) Ugh, So what? Who cares that they ate?

“And he made them a feast, and they did eat and drink.”

31) Ok this is like the worst storytelling EVER!

“And they rose up betimes in the morning, and sware one to another: and Isaac sent them away, and they departed from him in peace.”

32) Soooo boring. I just want people reading this to not be as bored as me but how can I make something interesting when it’s mind numbingly boring and pointless.

“And it came to pass the same day, that Isaac’s servants came, and told him concerning the well which they had digged, and said unto him, We have found water.”

33) So they named a place that already existed.

“And he called it Shebah: therefore the name of the city is Beer-sheba unto this day.”

34) More Hittite talk. Again, not the same Hittites in history.

http://plagueofmice.anarchic-teapot.net/2012/05/21/when-christians-attempt-to-use-evidence-to-justify-their-faith/

“And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite:”

35) Whatever that means. Yawn.

“Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.”

If only the guy who wrote Lord of the rings wrote the bible instead! The bible is so dull I can’t take it!

Aug 6-Tuesday> 2013

Chapter 27:1-46

I’m not even gonna comment on how sickened I am that there are 46 verses. I’m sick of whining.

1) No age told to us on how old Issac is? Guess God forgot to tell Moses.

“AND it came to pass, that when Isaac was old, and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called Esau his eldest son, and said unto him, My son: and he said unto him, Behold, here am I.”

2) Ugh, cringing.

“And he said, Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death:”

3) Grumpy old coot isn’t Issac?

“Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison;”

4) How jolly.

“And make me savoury meat, such as I love, and bring it to me, that I may eat; that my soul may bless thee before I die.”

5) Ok, great. Look after old Dad. Whatever. Huh? Soul blessing?

“And Rebekah heard when Isaac spake to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt for venison, and to bring it.”

6-7)

And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,
Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the LORD before my death.”

8-9) I don’t know if this is Rebekah talking now, or she’s still quoting Issac.

“Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee. Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:”

10) I guess it is her talking now.

“And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.”

11) Oh what a stupid thing to say.

“And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:”

12) Oh great. The stupid “peradventure” word again. Remember it means “perhaps” and “possibly”.

http://www.yourdictionary.com/peradventure

“My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.”

What is Jacob babbling about?

Seriously, why am I doing this? This is so beyond stupid!

13) How stupid!

“And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.”

It really is beyond painful reading this.

14) OH WHO CARES! This is as painful and dull as watching a Walton’s rerun!

“And he went, and fetched, and brought them to his mother: and his mother made savoury meat, such as his father loved.”

15) What? “Goodly raiment”? WTF?!

I’m not looking it up. I just don’t care.

“And Rebekah took goodly raiment of her eldest son Esau, which were with her in the house, and put them upon Jacob her younger son:”

16) Ewwww

“And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck:”

17) So what is she saying? She favors Jacob?

“And she gave the savoury meat and the bread, which she had prepared, into the hand of her son Jacob.”

18) What?! “He came unto his father”?

Do read Genesis 19:31 to be just as confused as me.

“And he came unto his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I; who art thou, my son?”

19) Oh who cares? Who talks like this? Who seriously kisses their old senile father’s butt like this?

“And Jacob said unto his father, I am Esau thy firstborn; I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.”

20) I can’t believe I’m reading this trash! What have I got myself into. It’s just so irritating to read.

“And Isaac said unto his son, How is it that thou hast found it so quickly, my son? And he said, Because the LORD thy God brought it to me.”

21) Well Issac seems to have lost his marbles.

“And Isaac said unto Jacob, Come near, I pray thee, that I may feel thee, my son, whether thou be my very son Esau or not.

22) Oh who cares?

“And Jacob went near unto Isaac his father; and he felt him, and said, The voice is Jacob’s voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau.”

23) Ok this is without a doubt the dumbest chapter yet! Even dumber than the daughters raping their father Lot.

“And he discerned him not, because his hands were hairy, as his brother Esau’s hands: so he blessed him.”

24) Why lie? Am I missing something?

“And he said, Art thou my very son Esau? And he said, I am.”

25) What I don’t get is when christians put me down when I get drunk!

“And he said, Bring it near to me, and I will eat of my son’s venison, that my soul may bless thee. And he brought it near to him, and he did eat: and he brought him wine, and he drank.”

26) Ok this just got really creepy, but at least it got interesting. Stupid beyond words, but interesting.

“And his father Isaac said unto him, Come near now, and kiss me, my son.”

27) Ok, this just gets dumber and dumber with every verse. WTF?!

“And he came near, and kissed him: and he smelled the smell of his raiment, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the LORD hath blessed:”

When this is done this might be called “Iron Atheist’s WTF?! Bible journal”. Maybe I can sell it as an app, or something. I mean seriously, I should get something for reading this painful idiocy right?” I so hate this.

28) Issac’s gotta be loaded, or he’s just talking like everyone in the bible, a nonsensical idiot!

“Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine:”

29) Blah blah blah

Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother’s sons bow down to thee: cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee.

30) Blessings are meaningless really.

“And it came to pass, as soon as Isaac had made an end of blessing Jacob, and Jacob was yet scarce gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting.”

31) Oh who cares? Seriously who cares about eating deer meat?

This is such a waste of time! If only I wasn’t so commited to seeing something through and cause I just want to see what these crazies are talking about when they keep saying I gotta read this stupid thing!

“And he also had made savoury meat, and brought it unto his father, and said unto his father, Let my father arise, and eat of his son’s venison, that thy soul may bless me.”

32) Ok, this is so retarded. Is this supposed to be funny? Nobody told me that the book responsible for so much death and bigotry was supposed to be comical too.

I’m far from laughing

“And Isaac his father said unto him, Who art thou? And he said, I am thy son, thy firstborn Esau.”

33) Out of curiousity, why did Jacob do that? Was this supposed to be some kind of lesson?

“And Isaac trembled very exceedingly, and said, Who? where is he that hath taken venison, and brought it me, and I have eaten of all before thou camest, and have blessed him? yea, and he shall be blessed.”

34) I seriously am thinking on quitting this journal thing. The bible is just too stupid.

“And when Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry, and said unto his father, Bless me, even me also, O my father.”

35) When I made that comment about every verse was getting stupider and stupider I wasn’t kidding and it hasn’t changed either! WTF?! Big time!!!

“And he said, Thy brother came with subtilty, and hath taken away thy blessing.”

36) This is insane! You can’t take someones birthright and you can’t take their blessing! Yet Esau actually seems upset.

“And he said, Is not he rightly named Jacob? for he hath supplanted me these two times: he took away my birthright; and, behold, now he hath taken away my blessing. And he said, Hast thou not reserved a blessing for me?”

37) I just can’t take it and I’m sorry if what I keep saying might even be more irritating than the bible verses for some.

It just angers me thinking that these retarded words are what people are basing their life around!

“And Isaac answered and said unto Esau, Behold, I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; and with corn and wine have I sustained him: and what shall I do now unto thee, my son?”

I mean seriously. How can you not read this verse and every verse over it and not be in complete awe of the stupidity! How you not be angry? Is it the coffee and Red Bull I’m drinking? Maybe, it just gets so mind numbingly boring sometimes reading it, maybe I should have cut back tonight!

38) Ugh. SMFH! It just doesn’t stop! Every verse, stupider than the last!

“And Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.”

39) What does this even mean?

“And Isaac his father answered and said unto him, Behold, thy dwelling shall be the fatness of the earth, and of the dew of heaven from above;”

40) I believe he’s saying because of his blessing Jacob because he thought he was Esau, Esau’s gotta serve Jacob until someday when he doesn’t have to serve him anymore.

“And by thy sword shalt thou live, and shalt serve thy brother; and it shall come to pass when thou shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.”

41) Only 4 more verses. I gotta stop for like 15 minutes after each verse because I’m traumatized.

“And Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing wherewith his father blessed him: and Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I slay my brother Jacob.”

For meaningless words? Idiocy.

42) Gee what a great example for kids. Such a stable family. How disfunctional!

“And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.”

43) Because of some stupid meaningless words. Brilliant

“Now therefore, my son, obey my voice; and arise, flee thou to Laban my brother to Haran;”

44) I give up. I just want this chapter to be over.

“And tarry with him a few days, until thy brother’s fury turn away;”

45) Seriously, WTF did he really even do?!

I want some christian scholar to tell me how this isn’t completely stupid nonsense?

“Until thy brother’s anger turn away from thee, and he forget that which thou hast done to him: then I will send, and fetch thee from thence: why should I be deprived also of you both in one day?”

46) I can’t believe how long this took me. I so hope I don’t end up having a heart attack from reading this at some point!

“And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me?”

YAAY! It’s over. I think I’m going to give more time in between each verse next time, or I’m seriously going to have a nervous breakdown.

Aug 7-Wednesday> 2013

Chapter 28:1-22

Alright then, only 22 verses. That’s good and today I’ve decided to really take my time, not get angry and not allow myself to get so extremely bored reading these stupid verses.

Let’s see how that goes….

1) So it looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the bigot tree. Issac is just like his dad.

“AND Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.”

2) Wait a second, didn’t Jacob run away cause he was scared of his bad-ass brother?

“Arise, go to Padan-aram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother’s father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughters of Laban thy mother’s brother.”

3) Yeah cause an intelligent god would want the Earth over populated with people destroying the planet.

“And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people;”

4) So funny how they treat God’s blessing like a thing, like a game of tag.

“And give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that thou mayest inherit the land wherein thou art a stranger, which God gave unto Abraham.”

I’m sure God’s blessing isn’t limited right? I’m sure God could make an infinite amount of “blessings”.

Despite what the dictionary says, I don’t think we’re quite clear on the whole “blessing” concept.

5) Alright, I am going to try to remember this since it must be so life altering and important. Just kidding.

“And Isaac sent away Jacob: and he went to Padan-aram unto Laban, son of Bethuel the Syrian, the brother of Rebekah, Jacob’s and Esau’s mother.”

6) Again, I thought Jacob split cause he was afraid of his brother.

“When Esau saw that Isaac had blessed Jacob, and sent him away to Padan-aram, to take him a wife from thence; and that as he blessed him he gave him a charge, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan;”

7) What’s so bad about Canaan folk again?

“And that Jacob obeyed his father and his mother, and was gone to Padan-aram;”

8) Yeah yeah we got that the first time.

“And Esau seeing that the daughters of Canaan pleased not Isaac his father;”

9) Zzzzzzz

“Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham’s son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife.”

10) Ok, well it sure is hard to find a women isn’t it?

“And Jacob went out from Beer-sheba, and went toward Haran.”

11) Again a demonstration of how religion is such a pain with it’s bigotry.

Of course I’m forgetting that this never happened and the story is completely fictious.

“And he lighted upon a certain place, and tarried there all night, because the sun was set; and he took of the stones of that place, and put them for his pillows, and lay down in that place to sleep.”

12) Ok, I’m staying calm. Deep breaths.

WTF?! So Moses wrote this story and God told him the details about him dreaming? How are people this stupid again to believe this?

“And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it.”

13) This is so unbelievably stupid. Seriously? Dreams of talking to God?

“And, behold, the LORD stood above it, and said, I am the LORD God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed;”

14) Oh wonderful. More spreading of the seed and more ridiculous “blessings”.

“And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.”

15) Ok so seriously, what is the difference between these 2?

http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/03/29/children.slain/

And this verse:

“And, behold, I am with thee, and will keep thee in all places whither thou goest, and will bring thee again into this land; for I will not leave thee, until I have done that which I have spoken to thee of.”

God’s talking to them. Why is one true and one not true?

16) So why doesn’t God just appear and talk to him? Isn’t that what it did the past few chapters?

“And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely the LORD is in this place; and I knew it not.”

17) Yeah those dreams are sure realistic and scary. Whatever. How retarded!

“And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.”

18)

And Jacob rose up early in the morning, and took the stone that he had put for his pillows, and set it up for a pillar, and poured oil upon the top of it.

19) Zzzzzzzzz

“And he called the name of that place Beth-el: but the name of that city was called Luz at the first.”

20) Suuure. Cause he has “magic blessing luck powers”.

“And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on,”

21) Ok boring.

“So that I come again to my father’s house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God:”

22) Stupid idiotic unbelievable retarded nonsense.

“And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God’s house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.”

So far I haven’t read anything in this bible that has been beneficial, educational, or life changing.

In fact just the opposite. It’s merely showing me what I remember as a kid. The bible is completely stupid and full of nothing that makes any sense.

Aug 8-Thursday> 2013

Chapter 29:1-35

Back again, I worked out yesterday that it’ll take me 3 years and approx. 130 days to finish this bible if I do a chapter a day, with the odd days off and vacation in the tropics. What have I got myself into?

I thought I hated the bible before, but now the hatred has gone to a whole new level.

Anyway, here we go….

1) Ok, this is after Jacob woke up from his silly dream.

“THEN Jacob went on his journey, and came into the land of the people of the east.”

2) How nice. He just randomly seen the sheep and the water and just started watering them.

“And he looked, and behold a well in the field, and, lo, there were three flocks of sheep lying by it; for out of that well they watered the flocks: and a great stone was upon the well’s mouth.”

3) Be great if I just left my dirty car parked in a parking lot and some random stranger just started washing my car.

“And thither were all the flocks gathered: and they rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the sheep, and put the stone again upon the well’s mouth in his place.”

4) Wait, who is he talking to? The sheep?

“And Jacob said unto them, My brethren, whence be ye? And they said, Of Haran are we.”

5) That name was probably in that sea of names that they keep listing but who can keep track?

“And he said unto them, Know ye Laban the son of Nahor? And they said, We know him.”

6) Picture her walking in slow motion with sexy music playing.

“And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep.”

7) Detaiks details details. Zzzzzzz

“And he said, Lo, it is yet high day, neither is it time that the cattle should be gathered together: water ye the sheep, and go and feed them.”

8) Blah blah blah So the sheep all have to be together. Blah blah blah.

“And they said, We cannot, until all the flocks be gathered together, and till they roll the stone from the well’s mouth; then we water the sheep.”

9) Another meeting a women story? Great. So when is the part that comes where I learn how to be a good person and learn something relevant.

Well I already am a pretty good person and I already know how to pick up women.

“And while he yet spake with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep: for she kept them.”

So yeah, nothing meaningful, useful, or relevant thus far and I’ve been reading this for a over a month now.

10) So wouldn’t that make Rachel his 1st cousin and Laban his uncle? Did they not have names, or at least terms for them back then? Uncles, aunts, cousins.

Wait, he’s not fallen for his cousin is he?

“And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother.”

11) He kissed his 1st cousin?

“And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.”

12) So he told her he was her uncle, even though he was her cousin? Why? Who cares?

“And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father’s brother, and that he was Rebekah’s son: and she ran and told her father.”

13) How special.

“And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister’s son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things.”

14) He could have been lying.

“And Laban said to him, Surely thou art my bone and my flesh. And he abode with him the space of a month.”

Well at least he got a place to live for a month.

15) Wait, what did I miss here? How is Laban not Jacob’s uncle?

“And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?”

Well at least he’s offering him money.

16) Both his cousins. So curious now to see if theres an incest part.

“And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.”

17) Great. I’m making the visual now. Sorry, not enough detail. Doesn’t do anything for me.

“Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.”

18) Well he means business. How old is she? 8?

“And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.”

19) Well at least he’s giving her away and not selling her for money.

“And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.”

20) Wait a sec, didn’t her dad just say that he wouldn’t have to work 7 years for her? WTF?!

Oh wait, Laban just meant that it was better to have him working for her then some other guy buying her.

Guess he just needed a place to stay. His brother Esau is still mad at him and all for taking his imaginary things.

“And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.”

21) Yeah, come on. 7 years later? Think about this people.

“And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.”

Wait one second. When they say “go in unto her” in the bible that means “sex” right?

22) Well I guess this answers my question about the incest part.

“And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.”

23) That has got to be the lamest way to say “have sex” I’ve ever heard.

“And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.”

24) All this “giving away people” is really weirding me out. Wait, no it isn’t it’s the bible. It’s full of weird stupidity.

“And Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid.”

25) Wait a second here. Didn’t Jacob and Leah have sex? Didn’t Jacob “go in unto her”? Look back at 23), what does it say?

“And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?”

26) Oh the drama. Again reminding everyone that this was a story written by MOSES from a story GOD said to him. Nonsense.

“And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.”

27) Ok, this is ridiculous because it’s messed up in 2 different ways.

-Messed up to give a human being as payment for working as if they’re livestock.

-Messed up to lie to someone about that payment for that human being.

“Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.”

28) WHAT?! Ok, to any religie who is reading this, please tell me if this sounds believable.

-Jacob works 7 years for some dude so he can “have” his daughter.

-Jacob works those 7 years but the dad of the daughter says “no, she’s the younger one, have the other daughter.

-Jacob says “I want the other daughter you said you were gonna give me”.

-The dad Laban says “I’ll give her to you ALSO after a week, but you gotta work 7 MORE YEARS?! WTF?!

“And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.”

Stupid.

29) SMFH! Giving away ANOTHER human being?

“And Laban gave to Rachel his daughter Bilhah his handmaid to be her maid.”

30) I wonder if parents read this story to kids. I wonder if the quran has stuff like this in it?

So he has 2 wives now and they’re both hot sisters who are both his cousins.

“And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.”

Ok, this might be completely stupid chapter, but it is probably the most interesting chapter thus far.

I mean how desperate were guys back then? I mean he works 14 YEARS for a couple of girls? Guess they didn’t have internet dating.

31) Ok, I have no idea what this means. Why was Leah hated? Also, “God opened her womb”? Huh?

Well couldn’t God just use it’s magic and make Leah NOT barren? Guess not.

“And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.”

Opened her womb? You mean God looked inside her body with it’s xray vision?

32) What a sappy drama this is.

“And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.”

33) Who said she was hated? What kind of message is this for kids? I mean seriously, let’s teach kids that being in a messed up love triangle is normal. Let’s teach kids really good social skills.

“And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.”

Well woopdi-doo!

34) So let’s get this straight. Leah had 3 kids for this dude Jacob and he still doesn’t like her?

So basically God’s little buddy Jacob, with the blessing and all that, is a jerk to the mother of his kids, but loving all the wild and crazy sex he’s getting with the hot younger sister.

Let’s not forget that though he doesn’t like her, he’s still having sex with and knocking her up.

“And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.”

35) Well this was a cliffhanger wasn’t it?

“And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.”

Just think, in some really messed up households they read this to their kids before they go to sleep.

Idiots! Those poor kids.

Aug 9-Friday> 2013

Chapter 30:1-43

Well so far the bible has just been drama, pettiness, squabbling, back stabbing and unnecessay genocide.

Let’s see if this next part is any different.

1) Nope, right off the bat, more drama. Wonderful.

“AND when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.”

2) Ok, this is just pointless and stupid. What good was the blessing then and why keep mentioning it?

Why be mad at Rachel? It ain’t her fault her body isn’t making kids. Jacob doesn’t need to be a jerk and doesn’t he have 3 kids already?

“And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?”

Stupid nonsense.

3) She hates her sister Leah that much? Great example for kids.

“And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees that I may also have children by her.”

4) More “giving” other human beings to other human beings and other human beings accepting them as gifts.

Funny how those people who do this seem to usually be God’s little buddies and people that God has supposedly blessed.

“And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.”

5) So what’s that? 4 kids of Jacobs now? What difference does it make if the sister has Jacob’s kids, or Bilhah?

“And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.”

6) Maybe my memory has failed me, or traumatically blocked out the bible in general to me, but this might be the stupidest thing anyone has said yet that I’ve read in the bible.

How does being unable to have kids and getting someone else to have them for you mean God is being good to you?

“And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.”

If God really wanted to be good to her wouldn’t he have just made her able to have kids? Seriously? Maybe cure her inability to have them like he did for Abraham’s wife Sarah? Duh!

So the kid’s name is Dan, not Daniel?

7) So what happened to the kids Leah had? Will we hear about them again?

“And Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.”

8) Ok this beats what she said before. Again though, this isn’t real though and never happened.

“And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.”

9) What? Huh? So this is just beyond stupid now and I actually feel myself getting stupider the more I read this.

“When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.”

There’s just no logic in this! Funny that christians today would look at this and just think it was immoral the way they were acting if they were acting that way today!

10) So let’s get this straight, Leah got HER servant to bang Jacob, to get back at Rachel for getting Rachel’s servant to bang Jacob? WTF?!

“And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a son.”

11) Imagine his last name was “Zooks”.

I have no idea what “a troop cometh means, but I couldn’t care less to find out.

“And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad

12) SMFH!

“And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a second son.”

The sisters of course can’t be mad at Jacob though right? They gotta be mad at each other. Sarcasm of course.

13) Ok now it’s gotten dramatic AND boring.

“And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.”

14) Ok Reuben was the first son Leah had for Jacob. Just recapping.

“And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son’s mandrakes.”

HAHAHA I just looked up “mandrake” on wikipedia and look what it says:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandrake_(plant)

Mandrakes are poisonous.

15) Yeah ok, “please let me have those poisonous plants so I can eat them and if you do, I’ll let you have sex with the father of your 3 kids, even though we’re both married to him but we’re sisters.”

“And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son’s mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.”

16) More “come in unto me talk”.

And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

17) YAAY! Another son from the love triangle family. Actually with the 2 maids that makes it 5.

I guess that would be a “love pentagon”.

“And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.”

Another kid? With 3 other sets of kids from different mothers. Do we seriously need to keep reading this?

How is all this sex and bickering supposed to enlighten people?

18) Oh God is just so magical. Give me a break.

“And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.”

19) Ok who cares? Boring and stupid.

“And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.”

20) So dumb. So boring. So pointless. So unnecessary to read this, oh why did I have to start doing this?

Oh no. Am I whining again. Oops sorry. I really hate soap operas so you can imagine how much I hate this.

“And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.”

21) Zzzzzzzzz

“And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.”

22) Oh stop this out of control trainwreck of dog manure. Give us a break.

“And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.”

23) God shmod.

“And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:”

24) Blah blah Lord blah blah another baby blah blah. God did it blah blah blah.

“And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.”

25) LOL He couldn’t take all the women and kids and had to head for the hills.

“And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.”

26) Oh ok, he means away from Laban.

“Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.”

27) Blah blah Lord blah blah blessed .

“And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.”

28) Uh, does this mean “how much do I pay you for banging my daughters and servants and tending animals for 14 years?”

“And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.”

29) Blah blah blah cattle blah blah blah something something something.

“And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.”

30) Yeah whatever.

“For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?”

31) Oh great. What could it be?

“And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock.”

32) Are they ALL speckled?

“I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.”

33) Total facepalm

“So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.”

34) No idea what they’re talking about cause of how hard I’m yawning.

“And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.”

35) Wonderful. He took all the spotted and speckled sheep. Zzzzzzz

“And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.”

36) 3 days journey what?

“And he set three days’ journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban’s flocks.”

37) I swear I take 5 minutes after each verse and just start reading the verse again and in 1 full second I’m yawning like crazy. So boring. So stupid.

“And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.”

So meaningless.

38) I mean I just start reading this and I fall asleep. Like within a minute easy.

“And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.”

39) Blah blah cows blah blah rods blah blah speckled.

“And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.”

40) Seriously, how could something so meaningless and so boring have hypnotized the world into being such total idiots? I just don’t get it!

They can’t be reading this and still believe in this rubbish. Not a sane rational person anyway.

“And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban’s cattle.”

41) No idea what this means and I just drank a Red Bull to help me get through this, for maximum mental alertness.

“And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.”

Still yawning.

42) Reading the phone book would be more exciting! This is mind numbing.

“But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban’s, and the stronger Jacob’s.”

43) Oh woop-di-la-da-da-do!

“And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.”

Ok this might just have been the most boring and meaningless chapter yet. Words cannot describe how boring and meaningless this is.

Aug 11-Sunday> 2013

Chapter 32:1-32

Ok, back again for more irritation. For me I meant, not me irritating the readers of this. Well I hope not, but what can I do?

Well let’s hope it’s not more boring and nonsensical verses to read in here. Oh who am I kidding? It’s the bible.

1) Well how convenient and helpful. Whatever. Moses sure remembered a lot about these stories and chapters.

“AND Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.”

2) So he saw a couple of angels and called a place something? Ok, dumb.

“And when Jacob saw them, he said, This is God’s host: and he called the name of that place Mahanaim.”

3) Ok, well let’s hope that his brother doesn’t still hold a grudge for taking those imaginary things.

“And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the country of Edom.”

4) After 20 years?

“And he commanded them, saying, Thus shall ye speak unto my lord Esau; Thy servant Jacob saith thus, I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed there until now:”

5) Yep, sounds like he’s scared of him all right. Of course after 20 years he’d be dead. Both of them would be.

“And I have oxen, and asses, flocks, and menservants, and womenservants: and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find grace in thy sight.”

6) 400 men? Okay, so is he gonna be mad still, or not?

“And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.”

7) Uh oh Jacob. Hey I just realized this is actually interesting now. Let’s see what happens.

“Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;”

8) Hmmm could there actually be a lesson here? Don’t piss people off if you’re scared they will kill you.

“And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.”

9) Ok well now that he’s said his prayers we know everything is gonna be fine.

“And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the LORD which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:”

10) Yeah, yeah, break up the group into 2 teams, so that if Esau is pissed he’ll only kill one and the other will get away.

“I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.”

11) Yeah cause you know how horrible it is when someone steals your birthright and blessing. WTF?!

“Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.”

12) Ok, well dummy, if God the omnipotent sky fairy said that then you should be fine right? So STFU!

“And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.”

13) Well if he’s so scared then just give him his blessing and birthright back. Give him some magic beans too while he’s at it.

“And he lodged there that same night; and took of that which came to his hand a present for Esau his brother;”

14) Yeah okay, all travelling together brilliant. Yeah they wouldn’t have been attacked by bandits.

“Two hundred she goats, and twenty he goats, two hundred ewes, and twenty rams,”

15) Yep that’s a lotta bull alright.

“Thirty milch camels with their colts, forty kine, and ten bulls, twenty she asses, and ten foals.”

16) Uh huh. Ok, getting boring again.

“And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by themselves; and said unto his servants, Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.”

17) So this is the plan.

“And he commanded the foremost, saying, When Esau my brother meeteth thee, and asketh thee, saying, Whose art thou? and whither goest thou? and whose are these before thee?”

18) Great.

“Then thou shalt say, They be thy servant Jacob’s; it is a present sent unto my lord Esau: and, behold, also he is behind us.”

19) Ok this got boring fast.

“And so commanded he the second, and the third, and all that followed the droves, saying, On this manner shall ye speak unto Esau, when ye find him.”

20) Ok get on with it.

“And say ye moreover, Behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us. For he said, I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept of me.”

21) This just drags on and on.

“So went the present over before him: and himself lodged that night in the company.”

22) Wait what is a ford? Now I’m curious. To Wikipedia we go.

Ah, I see that “ford” means a shallow crossing in a river.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ford_(crossing)

“And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.”

23) And away they go.

Oh please let this be over soon. This is so much slower doing commentary.

“And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had.”

24) What? Huh? He wrestled with a man until the breaking day? What? Where did he come from?

“And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.”

25) This was so poorly written. Well at least there’s action.

“And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob’s thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.”

26) I have no idea what’s going on. Who’s who here?

“And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.”

27) Well now I do.

“And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.”

28) Ok WTF?! What is going on here?

“And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.”

29) Could we please get a clear picture here?

“And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.”

30) What? Aren’t they in the middle of fighting? Why is he naming things in the middle of fighting?

“And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.”

31) Ok, so he’s walking somewhere now?

“And as he passed over Penuel the sun rose upon him, and he halted upon his thigh.”

32) Ok I have no idea what happened here. I thought things were going to be interesting, but they just ended up being retarded.

“Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: because he touched the hollow of Jacob’s thigh in the sinew that shrank.”

So far this verse, verse 32 is the winner in the stupidest verse that I’ve read so far contest. Oh wait, I have a feeling I say that about a verse in about every chapter. Skip that.

Well so far religies, reading this has made me into less of a believer. I really do suggest more religies actually read it, so they become Atheists.

Aug 12-Monday> 2013

Chapter 33:1-20

Alright, now hopefully things get written better this chapter. That last one was a doozy. Hey! This ones only got 20 verses! AWESOME!

1) So what about the guy Jacob was wrestling with.

“AND Jacob lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and with him four hundred men. And he divided the children unto Leah, and unto Rachel, and unto the two handmaids.”

2) Please just let this chapter not take long to get through.

“And he put the handmaids and their children foremost, and Leah and her children after, and Rachel and Joseph hindermost.”

3) Ok and what’s with the bowing

“And he passed over before them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.”

4) How special.

“And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.”

5) Well this sucks. This is just too mushy now.

“And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the children; and said, Who are those with thee? And he said, The children which God hath graciously given thy servant.”

6) So what’s the difference between a handmaid and sex slave?

“Then the handmaidens came near, they and their children, and they bowed themselves.”

7) That’s the only thing I wished they kept today from the whole bible is the bow, instead of the handshake.

“And Leah also with her children came near, and bowed themselves: and after came Joseph near and Rachel, and they bowed themselves.”

8) Huh?

“And he said, What meanest thou by all this drove which I met? And he said, These are to find grace in the sight of my lord.”

9) How nice. How boring.

“And Esau said, I have enough, my brother; keep that thou hast unto thyself.”

10) Keep your stuff dummy!

“And Jacob said, Nay, I pray thee, if now I have found grace in thy sight, then receive my present at my hand: for therefore I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God, and thou wast pleased with me.”

11) Who’s talking?

“Take, I pray thee, my blessing that is brought to thee; because God hath dealt graciously with me, and because I have enough. And he urged him, and he took it.”

12) Zzzzzzzzz

“And he said, Let us take our journey, and let us go, and I will go before thee.”

13) Zzzzzzzzz

And he said unto him, My lord knoweth that the children are tender, and the flocks and herds with young are with me: and if men should overdrive them one day, all the flock will die.

14) So glad this is such a short verse. So boring.

“Let my lord, I pray thee, pass over before his servant: and I will lead on softly, according as the cattle that goeth before me and the children be able to endure, until I come unto my lord unto Seir.”

15) More giving people away. How nice.

“And Esau said, Let me now leave with thee some of the folk that are with me. And he said, What needeth it? let me find grace in the sight of my lord.”

16) Zzzzzzzz Almost there!

“So Esau returned that day on his way unto Seir.”

17) He went to Succoth and built a place called Succoth. WTF?!

“And Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built him an house, and made booths for his cattle: therefore the name of the place is called Succoth.”

Wait, was Succoth one of his sons? Great now I gotta go back and look.

Nope. Just a place.

18) Good for him. Zzzzzzz

And Jacob came to Shalem, a city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, when he came from Padan-aram; and pitched his tent before the city.

19) Almost over. This is too boring beyond words to even comment on.

“And he bought a parcel of a field, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem’s father, for an hundred pieces of money.”

20) What’s with all the naming of stupid things?

“And he erected there an altar, and called it El-elohe-Israel.”

YAAAY! I finished it! That was boring and pointless and completely meaningless. It made no mention of Issac and Sarah, but oh well, obviously they’re dead.

Aug 13-Tuesday> 2013

Chapter 34:1-31

Ok here we are again, so this is chapter 34! So let’s see:

There’s 1216 chapters – 34 = 1182 chapters to go. Ok maybe I’m just stalling now. Here we go.

This will be the last chapter of this part 2, then part 3 starts next with chapter 35-50.

1) Great, I wonder if she’s badly influenced by other girls?

“AND Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land.”

2) So he raped her. Yeah, great story for kids.

“And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her.”

3) Whatever this means.

“And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel.”

4) I thought he already had her?

“And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.”

5) Ok, well it’s about time. Let’s hope it stays interesting. Also, let’s hope it’s understandable.

“And Jacob heard that he had defiled Dinah his daughter: now his sons were with his cattle in the field: and Jacob held his peace until they were come.”

6) Right on! Things are interesting. This is actually holding my interest.

“And Hamor the father of Shechem went out unto Jacob to commune with him.”

7) We might just have ourselves a family feud!

“And the sons of Jacob came out of the field when they heard it: and the men were grieved, and they were very wroth, because he had wrought folly in Israel in lying with Jacob’s daughter; which thing ought not to be done.”

8) So what about Dinah? Was she raped, or not? How old was she? What is her say in this?

“And Hamor communed with them, saying, The soul of my son Shechem longeth for your daughter: I pray you give her him to wife.”

Guese it doesn’t matter anyway, none of this happened.

9) Well God sure told Moses a lot of pretty petty stuff to write didn’t it.

“And make ye marriages with us, and give your daughters unto us, and take our daughters unto you.”

10) Where are all these demands coming from?

“And ye shall dwell with us: and the land shall be before you; dwell and trade ye therein, and get you possessions therein.”

11) I wonder what important life lesson this is going to tell us?

“And Shechem said unto her father and unto her brethren, Let me find grace in your eyes, and what ye shall say unto me I will give.”

12) Ok, how much?

“Ask me never so much dowry and gift, and I will give according as ye shall say unto me: but give me the damsel to wife.”

13) How are they answering deceitfully?

“And the sons of Jacob answered Shechem and Hamor his father deceitfully, and said, because he had defiled Dinah their sister:”

14) You see, this is just silly. This is simply showing people that bigotry is okay.

Also, the whole circumcised thing is ridiculous! Why would God seriously care? It wouldn’t! It’s ridiculous. Religion is just so stupid!

“And they said unto them, We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one that is uncircumcised; for that were a reproach unto us:”

15) HAHAHAHAHA! Oh wait, he’s serious!

“But in this will we consent unto you: If ye will be as we be, that every male of you be circumcised;”

16) Yeah I remember this story when I was a kid. As I recall, this story is one big pile of steamy poo. Garbage. Idiocy.

It better be at least interesting.

“Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.”

17) This is the part where I would go “see ya”.

“But if ye will not hearken unto us, to be circumcised; then will we take our daughter, and we will be gone.”

18) LOL Yeah, no they didn’t. Who would be pleased at getting half their wang cut off with a knife?

Think about this people. This is not a normal reaction. If I were these men I would not be pleased. If anything I would be laughing and saying F-YOU!

“And their words pleased Hamor, and Shechem Hamor’s son.”

19) He decided not to? Ok, smart!

“And the young man deferred not to do the thing, because he had delight in Jacob’s daughter: and he was more honourable than all the house of his father.”

20) Oh the suspense.

“And Hamor and Shechem his son came unto the gate of their city, and communed with the men of their city, saying,”

21) Come on, get it over with.

“These men are peaceable with us; therefore let them dwell in the land, and trade therein; for the land, behold, it is large enough for them; let us take their daughters to us for wives, and let us give them our daughters.”

22) Oh boy! Sounds awesome! GTFO!

“Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised.”

23) Ok, greed makes people do stupid things!

“Shall not their cattle and their substance and every beast of theirs be ours? only let us consent unto them, and they will dwell with us.”

24) Seriously, any religies who are reading this. Ignore anything I said before jokingly that might make you think I wasn’t serious.

I’m being serious now. Who in their right mind would do this as a full grown adult and just be fine with it?

“And unto Hamor and unto Shechem his son hearkened all that went out of the gate of his city; and every male was circumcised, all that went out of the gate of his city.”

25) Yep, just as stupid a story as I remember 30 years ago.

“And it came to pass on the third day, when they were sore, that two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brethren, took each man his sword, and came upon the city boldly, and slew all the males.”

Who saw that coming? Did you think they were all gonna live together as the circumcised Brady Bunch?

26) All the while of course God is watching. I mean it could tell Jacob in a dream “hey Jacob, your idiot sons are going to go on a killing spree and that’s gonna give you a lot of problems, so you might wanna have a little talk with them”

“And they slew Hamor and Shechem his son with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechem’s house, and went out.”

27) How nice! Murdering helpless people! Again, what a great story for children. They really should read it directly from the bible.

“The sons of Jacob came upon the slain, and spoiled the city, because they had defiled their sister.”

How big is this city?

28) Well it definitely got interesting!

“They took their sheep, and their oxen, and their asses, and that which was in the city, and that which was in the field,”

29) Awww how cute. God’s little family murdering, stealing and pillaging!

“And all their wealth, and all their little ones, and their wives took they captive, and spoiled even all that was in the house.”

So where are the moral lessons again?

30) Is this supposed to be the lesson? Think ahead of the consequences before you murder and steal?

“And Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, Ye have troubled me to make me to stink among the inhabitants of the land, among the Canaanites and the Perizzites: and I being few in number, they shall gather themselves together against me, and slay me; and I shall be destroyed, I and my house.”

31) Uh, well is she?

“And they said, Should he deal with our sister as with an harlot?”

Anyway, at least this part ended with a doozy. If I somehow have still kept your interest then please check out part 3 of my Genesis sections and so on and so on.