Genesis Buy-bull Part 3 of 3
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Aug 14-Wednesday> 2013
Ok, well this was actually a great continuation from the last part, because in chapter 34 Jacobs sons just killed every man in the city after the men all willingly circumcised themselves.
Jacob was then like WTF?! “Now cause of you idiots, people are gonna come after me because of what you morons did.
The brothers were like “uh, Dad, so we were just supposed to let them treat Dinah like a hooker?”
So on to the next chapter….
Wonderful, 29 verses. Well at least I got an early start today.
1) It sure would have been better if God had of talked to Jacob before the sons killed every man in the “city”.
Guess God just likes murder and death.
“AND God said unto Jacob, Arise, go up to Beth-el, and dwell there: and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fleddest from the face of Esau thy brother.”
Another alter? Seriously? God sure is a vain superior being, you know, wanting alters and all that.
2) Huh? Strange gods? Change of clothing? WTF?!
“Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments:”
3) Wait, so God just came out to talk to Jacob, not an angel? It wasn’t a dream?
“And let us arise, and go up to Beth-el; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went.”
4) Uh, isn’t Shechem the guy who banged Dinah, Jacob’s daughter? Isn’t he dead? So his dead body is sitting “under the oak”?
Maybe “oak” means “floor”. They hid all their stuff under the floor where they hid the dead bodies.
“And they gave unto Jacob all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.”
5) So what does that mean? People were afraid of the “god of Jacob” so they didn’t bother to pursue the murderer sons?
“And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.”
6) Ok, it was off to a good start, but now it’s getting boring again.
“So Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan, that is, Beth-el, he and all the people that were with him.”
7) Well this sure seems rather pointless. So is this implying that God has limits and can only communicate in that certain spot?
If not, then who cares where the altar goes? Why make an alter in the first place?
“And he built there an altar, and called the place El-beth-el: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.”
8) Okay that does it. I’m looking up this term “oak”.
Nope, nothing about what they mean, so let’s just assume they mean “tree”.
“But Deborah Rebekah’s nurse died, and she was buried beneath Beth-el under an oak: and the name of it was called Allon-bachuth.”
They named the oak tree? Ok, this is just stupid. Typicical for the bible though.
9) Ok, not an angel who said they were God?
“And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came out of Padan-aram, and blessed him.”
10) And changed his name why?
“And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel.”
11) Yeah, cause people really have a hard time having sex and making babies. They really need to be told.
“And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;”
12) Yeah, sure God said that. God seriously would care that that land was theirs.
No it didn’t! Give your heads a shake.
“And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land.”
13) Well God sure is interactive isn’t it?
“And God went up from him in the place where he talked with him.”
14) Yeah, cause God drinks stuff. Duh, derp derp.
“And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he talked with him, even a pillar of stone: and he poured a drink offering thereon, and he poured oil thereon.”
15) Why? Is the spot some dimensional conduit to God?
“And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Beth-el.”
16) Well just look at Rachel, just popping out the kids. Remember when she couldn’t have kids and then of course God just magically made her able to have them?
Yeah whatever. It was probably just bad timing before.
“And they journeyed from Beth-el; and there was but a little way to come to Ephrath: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour.”
17) Well she doesn’t have much of a choice does she? Either way the kid’s coming out.
“And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this son also.”
18) Yeah, cause people have souls and everything. No they don’t. Duh
When you’re dead, you’re dead.
“And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Ben-oni: but his father called him Benjamin.”
19) They’re just leavin bodies everywhere aren’t they?
“And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Beth-lehem.”
20) Long and gone now.
“And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel’s grave unto this day.”
21) Ok, officially boring again.
“And Israel journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar.”
22) Wait, so Jacob… oops sorry Israel had a concubine? So what’s with psycho christians being mad about gays marrying when God’s little buddy has concubines?
I smell a double standard.
“And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father’s concubine: and Israel heard it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve:”
23) NOOOOOO! Not more family histories!
The sons of Leah; Reuben, Jacob’s firstborn, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun:
24) Just going to remind you again to look up 1 Timothy 1:4.
“The sons of Rachel; Joseph, and Benjamin:”
And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel’s handmaid; Dan, and Naphtali:
26) Oh make it stop please!
And the sons of Zilpah, Leah’s handmaid; Gad, and Asher: these are the sons of Jacob, which were born to him in Padan-aram.
27) Issac is still alive? I wondered what happened to him! Hey, how come we’re calling him Jacob again? Didn’t God change it to “Israel”?
“And Jacob came unto Isaac his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, where Abraham and Isaac sojourned.”
28) That’s 180 years old.
Hey people, people didn’t live that long back then. Remember that.
“And the days of Isaac were an hundred and fourscore years.”
29) He “gave up the ghost”? Again they say this? As an experiment I am going to start using this saying in real life and see what happens. I think people will just think I’m an idiot!
“And Isaac gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.”
Guess Issac’s wife Rebekah bought the farm already. No mention of her.
Aug 15-Thursday> 2013
Oh no! I just took a quick look and it’s another one of those family histories I dread so much cause of how boring they are.
1) Esau changed his name to Edom? Great, I don’t remember this happening. Well I guess that either means I wasn’t paying attention, or this just happened now.
“NOW these are the generations of Esau, who is Edom.”
2) Ah, so Esau got a couple Canaan wives I see, like his dad Issac supposedly said not to.
Also I see another Hittite reference and may I remind you about the Hittites:
“Esau took his wives of the daughters of Canaan; Adah the daughter of Elon the Hittite, and Aholibamah the daughter of Anah the daughter of Zibeon the Hivite;”
3) Hey now we’re talking about Ismael again? When did he die again? I forget. Maybe I’ll just look it up on Wikipedia to save time.
Ok, yeah he died back in Genesis 25:17 at 137 years old. Can you blame me for forgetting this though? I’ve never read anything as boring as the bible before.
“And Bashemath Ishmael’s daughter, sister of Nebajoth.”
4) Blah blah blah blah blah blah
“And Adah bare to Esau Eliphaz; and Bashemath bare Reuel;”
5) Ok I foresee there being problems later on with the whole Canaan thing.
“And Aholibamah bare Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah: these are the sons of Esau, which were born unto him in the land of Canaan.”
6) So it’s good that they’re all buddies again but why do we keep calling Jacob “Jacob” still when God changed his name to Israel? I guess that’s like people still calling Snoop Lion “Snoop Dogg”.
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about……
“And Esau took his wives, and his sons, and his daughters, and all the persons of his house, and his cattle, and all his beasts, and all his substance, which he had got in the land of Canaan; and went into the country from the face of his brother Jacob.”
7) Yeah those cattle sure do eat a lot.
“For their riches were more than that they might dwell together; and the land wherein they were strangers could not bear them because of their cattle.”
8) Well thanks for reminding us.
“Thus dwelt Esau in mount Seir: Esau is Edom.”
9) I sooooo don’t care.
“And these are the generations of Esau the father of the Edomites in mount Seir:”
10) Still don’t care.
“These are the names of Esau’s sons; Eliphaz the son of Adah the wife of Esau, Reuel the son of Bashemath the wife of Esau.”
11) Never met them and the only impact on my life was that they took up a whole second reading them in this verse.
“And the sons of Eliphaz were Teman, Omar, Zepho, and Gatam, and Kenaz.”
“And Timna was concubine to Eliphaz Esau’s son; and she bare to Eliphaz Amalek: these were the sons of Adah Esau’s wife.”
13) Yada yada yada.
“And these are the sons of Reuel; Nahath, and Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah: these were the sons of Bashemath Esau’s wife.”
14) All I can think of is that I have Twitter to blame for this. Twitter made me a voice for Atheism, Twitter is what gave me the idea for the blog and Twitter is the reason I’m stuck reading the most boring book ever written.
“And these were the sons of Aholibamah, the daughter of Anah the daughter of Zibeon, Esau’s wife: and she bare to Esau Jeush, and Jaalam, and Korah.”
15) The “dukes”? What does that mean? The “dukes”?
“These were dukes of the sons of Esau: the sons of Eliphaz the firstborn son of Esau; duke Teman, duke Omar, duke Zepho, duke Kenaz,”
16) No idea.
“Duke Korah, duke Gatam, and duke Amalek: these are the dukes that came of Eliphaz in the land of Edom; these were the sons of Adah.”
17) Ok this is without a doubt THEE worst, most boring verse.
“And these are the sons of Reuel Esau’s son; duke Nahath, duke Zerah, duke Shammah, duke Mizzah: these are the dukes that came of Reuel in the land of Edom; these are the sons of Bashemath Esau’s wife.”
18) Ok I’m having a nap. Hopefully I’ll have the energy when I wake up to get through this chapter.
“And these are the sons of Aholibamah Esau’s wife; duke Jeush, duke Jaalam, duke Korah: these were the dukes that came of Aholibamah the daughter of Anah, Esau’s wife.”
19) Ok, back from a 2 hour snooze.
“These are the sons of Esau, who is Edom, and these are their dukes.”
20) WoW! I might have to go for another nap.
“These are the sons of Seir the Horite, who inhabited the land; Lotan, and Shobal, and Zibeon, and Anah,”
21) Ok, that does it. I’m looking up “duke”.
Nope, no dukes in the bible.
“And Dishon, and Ezer, and Dishan: these are the dukes of the Horites, the children of Seir in the land of Edom.”
22) And on and on and on.
“And the children of Lotan were Hori and Hemam; and Lotan’s sister was Timna.”
23) Don’t care.
“And the children of Shobal were these; Alvan, and Manahath, and Ebal, Shepho, and Onam.”
24) Again, all this from what God supposedly told Moses. Laughable.
“And these are the children of Zibeon; both Ajah, and Anah: this was that Anah that found the mules in the wilderness, as he fed the asses of Zibeon his father.”
“And the children of Anah were these; Dishon, and Aholibamah the daughter of Anah.”
26) I will AGAIN point out 1Timothy 1:4 where it says not to listen to things that do this.
“And these are the children of Dishon; Hemdan, and Eshban, and Ithran, and Cheran.”
27) This is what is supposed to change peoples lives and knowing right from wrong? Listing a bunch of names?
“The children of Ezer are these; Bilhan, and Zaavan, and Akan.”
“The children of Dishan are these; Uz, and Aran.”
29) Just killin me.
“These are the dukes that came of the Horites; duke Lotan, duke Shobal, duke Zibeon, duke Anah,”
30) And Bo and Luke and Daisy and Jesse Duke.
“Duke Dishon, duke Ezer, duke Dishan: these are the dukes that came of Hori, among their dukes in the land of Seir.”
31) Seriously, what is the significance of this?
“And these are the kings that reigned in the land of Edom, before there reigned any king over the children of Israel.”
32) Although I encourage people to read this journal to see the nonsense that is the bible, how am I seriously supposed to get anybody to read it with boring lists of names?
“And Bela the son of Beor reigned in Edom: and the name of his city was Dinhabah.”
33) Ok, please tell me how this is anymore significant than picking up the local phone book and going through it? At least those people in the phone book are real!
“And Bela died, and Jobab the son of Zerah of Bozrah reigned in his stead.”
34) How am I seriously supposed to hold peoples interest here? This is like being a sports announcer for a chess match. There really is nothing important to even talk about.
“And Jobab died, and Husham of the land of Temani reigned in his stead.”
35) Hey, the sad part is that none of this is even true and if there is any truth at all in anything, there’s nothing in any records to support it.
“And Husham died, and Hadad the son of Bedad, who smote Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his stead: and the name of his city was Avith.”
36) All the fairytale stories with God in it and angels is all just ridiculous nonsense, which makes no sense anyway.
“And Hadad died, and Samlah of Masrekah reigned in his stead.”
37) Ok, there really is no point in saying anything now. It’s just listing a bunch of names.
“And Samlah died, and Saul of Rehoboth by the river reigned in his stead.”
38) I mean it’s not that I don’t read each line 3 times to see if there is even the slightest importance here, but there just isn’t.
“And Saul died, and Baal-hanan the son of Achbor reigned in his stead.”
39) Argh. Just 4 more verses.
“And Baal-hanan the son of Achbor died, and Hadar reigned in his stead: and the name of his city was Pau; and his wife’s name was Mehetabel, the daughter of Matred, the daughter of Mezahab.”
40) Ok FOUR
“And these are the names of the dukes that came of Esau, according to their families, after their places, by their names; duke Timnah, duke Alvah, duke Jetheth,”
“Duke Aholibamah, duke Elah, duke Pinon,”
“Duke Kenaz, duke Teman, duke Mibzar,”
“Duke Magdiel, duke Iram: these be the dukes of Edom, according to their habitations in the land of their possession: he is Esau the father of the Edomites.”
YAAY! IT’S OVER!
Yes religies I took this seriously. I read this, I looked stuff up, but there really is just no way that you can tell me how anything in this chapter is even the slightest bit important!
Actually, there’s been nothing I’ve read so far that’s been important, or shown the slightest bit of significance yet in Genesis AT ALL.
Just that it is pointless, ridiculous and makes no sense!
Aug 16-Friday> 2013
Awesome. I just peaked ahead and seen that the “Psalms” chapters are very short. That means I’ll be able to double up on them and hopefully get this stupid “Buy-bull Journal” done a lot sooner.
Ok, now where were we? Oh yeah yesterday was that meaningless coma-inducing listing of family histories of bible people.
1) So why is he all of a sudden “Jacob”again and not “Israel”? Make up their minds already.
“AND Jacob dwelt in the land wherein his father was a stranger, in the land of Canaan.”
Wait, didn’t his father friggin hate that place?
2) NOOOO! No more generations listings! I can’t take it!
“These are the generations of Jacob. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his brethren; and the lad was with the sons of Bilhah, and with the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives: and Joseph brought unto his father their evil report.”
3) Ok so now he’s Israel again. Are these people who wrote this THAT stupid?
“Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age: and he made him a coat of many colours.”
Oh great! This stupid story about Joseph and his brothers. Wonderful.
4) Yeah, great examples here.
A great example to favorite your kids. A great example to be jealous if brothers and sisters are younger and get more attention. A great example to be a total douche to your brothers and sisters.
“And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him, and could not speak peaceably unto him.”
5) Well that is kind of annoying when people tell you about DREAMS. Too bad there’s so many stories in the bible about dreams and how we’re supposed to take them serious.
“And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it his brethren: and they hated him yet the more.”
6) I actually do hate it when people talk about their dreams.
“And he said unto them, Hear, I pray you, this dream which I have dreamed:”
7) Derp derp wobble wobble
“For, behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and, lo, my sheaf arose, and also stood upright; and, behold, your sheaves stood round about, and made obeisance to my sheaf.”
8) How mature.
“And his brethren said to him, Shalt thou indeed reign over us? or shalt thou indeed have dominion over us? And they hated him yet the more for his dreams, and for his words.”
9) Ok, now I kinda see why they hated Joseph. STFU Joseph.
“And he dreamed yet another dream, and told it his brethren, and said, Behold, I have dreamed a dream more; and, behold, the sun and the moon and the eleven stars made obeisance to me.”
10) Yeah cause you know how those dreams are real and everything. NOT.
“And he told it to his father, and to his brethren: and his father rebuked him, and said unto him, What is this dream that thou hast dreamed? Shall I and thy mother and thy brethren indeed come to bow down ourselves to thee to the earth?”
11) Well maybe this is a lesson and I actually have to agree. Joseph should have just STFU!
“And his brethren envied him; but his father observed the saying.”
12) Here we go.
“And his brethren went to feed their father’s flock in Shechem.”
13) Yeah, yeah. Get on with it.
“And Israel said unto Joseph, Do not thy brethren feed the flock in Shechem? come, and I will send thee unto them. And he said to him, Here am I.”
14) Another lesson should be “pay attention to your kids and don’t be such a self absorbed idiot, like Israel there.
“And he said to him, Go, I pray thee, see whether it be well with thy brethren, and well with the flocks; and bring me word again. So he sent him out of the vale of Hebron, and he came to Shechem.”
15) Oh so Shechem is a place too? Ok I thought it was only the name of the guy who raped the daughter Dinah.
“And a certain man found him, and, behold, he was wandering in the field: and the man asked him, saying, What seekest thou?”
16) Who the hell says “brethren?”
“And he said, I seek my brethren: tell me, I pray thee, where they feed their flocks.”
17) Blah blah blah and blah!
“And the man said, They are departed hence; for I heard them say, Let us go to Dothan. And Joseph went after his brethren, and found them in Dothan.”
18) How cute.
“And when they saw him afar off, even before he came near unto them, they conspired against him to slay him.”
“And they said one to another, Behold, this dreamer cometh.”
20) Well isn’t that just…..
“Come now therefore, and let us slay him, and cast him into some pit, and we will say, Some evil beast hath devoured him: and we shall see what will become of his dreams.”
“And Reuben heard it, and he delivered him out of their hands; and said, Let us not kill him.”
22) Ya gotta wonder how many people got the idea for this from the bible and actually did it.
“And Reuben said unto them, Shed no blood, but cast him into this pit that is in the wilderness, and lay no hand upon him; that he might rid him out of their hands, to deliver him to his father again.
23) There’s no way I would ever see this stupid play. How painful would that be? Well actually if I can get through this stupid bible I can get through anything!
“And it came to pass, when Joseph was come unto his brethren, that they stript Joseph out of his coat, his coat of many colours that was on him;”
24) Ok, guess this is kind of interesting now.
“And they took him, and cast him into a pit: and the pit was empty, there was no water in it.”
25) Yeah, uh huh.
“And they sat down to eat bread: and they lifted up their eyes and looked, and, behold, a company of Ishmeelites came from Gilead with their camels bearing spicery and balm and myrrh, going to carry it down to Egypt.”
26) Well he is right.
“And Judah said unto his brethren, What profit is it if we slay our brother, and conceal his blood?”
27) WOW! He must really have been one obnoxious pain in the ass.
“Come, and let us sell him to the Ishmeelites, and let not our hand be upon him; for he is our brother and our flesh. And his brethren were content.”
Well I keep forgetting that this never happened.
28) What I think is funny is how people who read this would think this bad, but that we’ve already read chapters where guys were selling their daughters and sisters and that wasn’t a big deal.
“Then there passed by Midianites merchantmen; and they drew and lifted up Joseph out of the pit, and sold Joseph to the Ishmeelites for twenty pieces of silver: and they brought Joseph into Egypt.”
29) Well this is one messed up family with a whole bunch of different levels of bad in it.
“And Reuben returned unto the pit; and, behold, Joseph was not in the pit; and he rent his clothes.”
He “rent” his clothes? Huh?
30) What the blinkity blank is he saying?
“And he returned unto his brethren, and said, The child is not; and I, whither shall I go?”
31) Yeah I wonder how many people who read this were thinking how THEY would have gotten rid of Joseph.
“And they took Joseph’s coat, and killed a kid of the goats, and dipped the coat in the blood;”
32) How stupid was Israel then? He has to know they are full it!
“And they sent the coat of many colours, and they brought it to their father; and said, This have we found: know now whether it be thy son’s coat or no.”
33) I guess Jacob/Israel did this:
“And he knew it, and said, It is my son’s coat; an evil beast hath devoured him; Joseph is without doubt rent in pieces.”
34) Well at least he did have a whole bunch more kids!
“And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins, and mourned for his son many days.”
35) Well look at that, the bible is showing people how to lie.
“And all his sons and all his daughters rose up to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted; and he said, For I will go down into the grave unto my son mourning. Thus his father wept for him.”
36) Well Joseph sure didn’t put up much of a fight did he? What a wuss!
“And the Midianites sold him into Egypt unto Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh’s, and captain of the guard.”
Well since I kinda am familiar with this story & I kinda am not dreading it as much cause I kinda know what’s going to happen.
Aug 17-Saturday> 2013
Well I just took a quick look at the chapter (sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t). It appears to have more of that wonderful family history in it that I just love so much!
It also doesn’t continue on with the Joseph story here. It just jumps into something else. Judah’s the 4th son of Leah and Jacob/Israel. The story seems to be about him.
Well at least there’s only 30 verses, which seems to be the average.
1) Ok, don’t remember this story growin up. Maybe at some point it’ll just pop in there while readin it.
“AND it came to pass at that time, that Judah went down from his brethren, and turned in to a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.”
He “turned into”? Huh?
2) You gotta wonder how old she was when he “took her”.
That’s either a tame way of saying “kidnapped and raped”, or “seduced and had sex with”.
“And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her.”
3) So they seem to have skipped the details of how that little interaction went. I guess it’s cause the bible could care less about if women get raped, or they’re kids.
So far I’ve found nothing to indicate that the bible doesn’t have very low standards for morals, or a low regard for women as even people.
“And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er.”
WTF?! His name was “Er”? That’s it? That isn’t short for anything?
4) Ok, well he either has her held up somewhere, or it was consensual. Still no details though.
“And she conceived again, and bare a son; and she called his name Onan.”
Oh yeah, I keep forgetting that this never happened and it’s all fiction.
5) Ok, so after the 3rd kid let’s hope that it was consensual.
“And she yet again conceived, and bare a son; and called his name Shelah: and he was at Chezib, when she bare him.”
6) So again, what’s with all the “taking” of girls?
“And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name was Tamar.”
7) So the lord “slew” Er did he? Just to be sure, let’s look up “slew”. I do believe it means “kill”.
Yep, slew means “to slay”
“And Er, Judah’s firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.”
Now how did God slay/slew/kill Er? He stabbed him? He just made his heart stop beating? What?
Would have been nice of God to do that to the Nazi’s as they put 7 million jews into gas ovens. Yet God killed Er cause he didn’t like the looks of him.
Duhr! Yet people still believe this nonsense.
8) Wait a sec. If he “took” a girl for Er, why does it sound like they have her prisoner?
“And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.”
9) What the f..? Am I seriously reading this? So while he was probably raping this girl who was the mother of his brother, he pulled out instead of blowing it in her?
Ok, so maybe that was smart, but do we seriously have to read this?
Is there going to be a section soon on wiping after expelling bodily wastes?
“And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.”
10) WTF?! So God just killed him “because”? Because he didn’t fill her with “man yogurt” God killed him? Huh?
“And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.”
That almost sounds like a line from a Monty Python episode.
11) Yeah women sure were property back then and the equivalent of cattle.
“Then said Judah to Tamar his daughter in law, Remain a widow at thy father’s house, till Shelah my son be grown: for he said, Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did. And Tamar went and dwelt in her father’s house.”
12) So Shuah would be Judah’s niece.
“And in process of time the daughter of Shuah Judah’s wife died; and Judah was comforted, and went up unto his sheepshearers to Timnath, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite.”
So he “had sex with” the sheep shearers whoever they were?
What’s an “Adullamite”? Someone from Adulla?
Wikipedia has a reference but nothing to do with this.
Maybe I’ll try “Hirah” and see what comes up.
Nope. Got nothin. This is all I got for “Hirah”.
13) So who told her this?
“And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep.”
14) Sorry… huh? Am I missing something here? Aren’t Timnath and Shelah brother and sister?
“And she put her widow’s garments off from her, and covered her with a vail, and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place, which is by the way to Timnath; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given unto him to wife.”
So why would she “wife” Shelah in the 1st place?
15) Uh HELLO! Super control freak nutcase dad. Of course she’s gonna hide her face. FREAK!
“When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face.”
So Judah was out looking for hookers?
16) Uh yeah, uh they do know what happens when someone “comes in unto a woman” right?
And can we also not forget that Judah is her father-in-law here? Okay, uber creepy!
“And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?”
17) So instead of money she gets a goat she can kill? Wonderful.
“And he said, I will send thee a kid from the flock. And she said, Wilt thou give me a pledge, till thou send it?”
18) Ok looking past the other garbledy gook about pledges, bracelets and staffs and stuff…. SHE JUST BANGED HER FATHER-IN-LAW!!!
Wait, when they say “staff” they mean “a dick” right? Actually I kinda like that saying. I’m gonna start using that term.
“And he said, What pledge shall I give thee? And she said, Thy signet, and thy bracelets, and thy staff that is in thine hand. And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him.”
19) Ok weird.
“And she arose, and went away, and laid by her vail from her, and put on the garments of her widowhood.”
20) Yeah that was either really dumb, or she didn’t think this through in the 1st place.
“And Judah sent the kid by the hand of his friend the Adullamite, to receive his pledge from the woman’s hand: but he found her not.”
21) Well at least this is kind of interesting. Creepy, messed up, morally disturbing, but at least it’s interesting.
“Then he asked the men of that place, saying, Where is the harlot, that was openly by the way side? And they said, There was no harlot in this place.”
22) WoW! It’s like Cinderella, but instead of a prince he’s the pervy father-in-law and instead of Cinderella she’s the stupid daughter in law who just screwed her father-in-law and got nothing out of it except getting knocked up.
“And he returned to Judah, and said, I cannot find her; and also the men of the place said, that there was no harlot in this place.”
23) Is this what the bible teaches you? Don’t take farm animals as payment if you’re a hooker? ALWAYS take money?
“And Judah said, Let her take it to her, lest we be shamed: behold, I sent this kid, and thou hast not found her.”
24) Uh, did he say “burnt”? How pleasant? Funny how many religies wish things would just go back to the old days.
“And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.”
25) Okay this is more messed up than a soap opera!
“When she was brought forth, she sent to her father in law, saying, By the man, whose these are, am I with child: and she said, Discern, I pray thee, whose are these, the signet, and bracelets, and staff.”
26) Sorry. No idea WTF he is saying here.
“And Judah acknowledged them, and said, She hath been more righteous than I; because that I gave her not to Shelah my son. And he knew her again no more.”
27) Wonderful. Gotta love twins.
“And it came to pass in the time of her travail, that, behold, twins were in her womb.”
And how did u tell if she had twins back then? Just fatter than normal?
28) Actually this is a good idea if they’re twins and all. Never did think of this scenerio.
HEY! I just realized after a month and a half that I actually learned something intelligent from reading this.
It wasn’t even that great though. How sad for all these dummies who think it’s that great.
“And it came to pass, when she travailed, that the one put out his hand: and the midwife took and bound upon his hand a scarlet thread, saying, This came out first.”
29) What are they seriously babbling about here? How retarded!
“And it came to pass, as he drew back his hand, that, behold, his brother came out: and she said, How hast thou broken forth? this breach be upon thee: therefore his name was called Pharez.”
30) Great. YAAY! All I know is that this chapter is over and I couldnt be happier.
“And afterward came out his brother, that had the scarlet thread upon his hand: and his name was called Zarah.”
Alrighty, on to the next chapter about Joseph and bein a slave.
Aug 18-Sunday> 2013
Well as I recalled from my memory, here we are talkin about Joseph again. After that rather creepy last chapter about Judah.
1) Ahhh, we all love a nice little human trafficking story before bed time.
“AND Joseph was brought down to Egypt; and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him of the hands of the Ishmeelites, which had brought him down thither.”
2) So again what we have here is another story where the omnipotent master of the universe has decided to be buddies with one particular person out of millions.
“And the LORD was with Joseph, and he was a prosperous man; and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian.”
3) Huh? WTF?! How did he see that?
“And his master saw that the LORD was with him, and that the LORD made all that he did to prosper in his hand.”
Uh yeah, no he didn’t. That’s retarded. How could he tell that the omnipotent master of the universe was being his “pooka”.
4) Hey does anyone think about how if God really cared it would have altered how the universe worked and not done this to Joseph in the first place?
“And Joseph found grace in his sight, and he served him: and he made him overseer over his house, and all that he had he put into his hand.”
5) So who put this together that Joseph’s invisible sky fairy was blessing the house?
“And it came to pass from the time that he had made him overseer in his house, and over all that he had, that the LORD blessed the Egyptian’s house for Joseph’s sake; and the blessing of the LORD was upon all that he had in the house, and in the field.”
So say a drug lord killed 1000’s of innocent people, had 100’s of millions of dollars and had the greatest life ever and died happy at 90 of a heart attack in his sleep? Was the LORD with him too?
6) Is this where they got the idea for Cinderella from?
“And he left all that he had in Joseph’s hand; and he knew not ought he had, save the bread which he did eat. And Joseph was a goodly person, and well favoured.”
So isn’t that a fairytale story if you’ve ever heard one?
7) Well how about that? A women is actually saying something describing sex other than “come in unto me”
“And it came to pass after these things, that his master’s wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me.”
8) Well how about that eh? The bible is teaching us not to have affairs with married people. IF YOU’RE A SLAVE!
“But he refused, and said unto his master’s wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand;”
9) Yeah and God would really actually care about that? NO IT WOULDN’T!
What does he mean “there is none greater in the house than I”?
“There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?”
Hey, it never stopped these guys:
10) So what’s the lesson here? Stick to a good thing if u got it! Don’t screw it up by being greedy? Even if you’re a slave?
“And it came to pass, as she spake to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by her, or to be with her.”
11) Maybe Joseph was gay for all we know! So gee that would just be so hard to say “no” to her then.
“And it came to pass about this time, that Joseph went into the house to do his business; and there was none of the men of the house there within.”
12) Ok, maybe she was hairy, covered in warts and 400 pounds.
“And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out.”
13) Yeah okay, yeah and this really happened. Stupid! No it didn’t.
“And it came to pass, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand, and was fled forth,”
14) How lame a soap opera is this?
“That she called unto the men of her house, and spake unto them, saying, See, he hath brought in an Hebrew unto us to mock us; he came in unto me to lie with me, and I cried with a loud voice:”
Ok so I see that the old “came in unto” saying is back!
15) So basically the bible is teaching us to act like children if we don’t get our way!
“And it came to pass, when he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled, and got him out.”
16) Good thing we have lawyers and DNA evidence now.
“And she laid up his garment by her, until his lord came home.”
17) Well maybe the bible is just teaching us to lie better.
“And she spake unto him according to these words, saying, The Hebrew servant, which thou hast brought unto us, came in unto me to mock me:”
18) The sonuvabitch!
“And it came to pass, as I lifted up my voice and cried, that he left his garment with me, and fled out.”
19) Well then may the bible is teaching us that Joseph shoulda just banged her and weighed the consequences I guess.
“And it came to pass, when his master heard the words of his wife, which she spake unto him, saying, After this manner did thy servant to me; that his wrath was kindled.”
20) So, back then it would get you thrown in jail for simply being a bad slave? That was a crime?
“And Joseph’s master took him, and put him into the prison, a place where the king’s prisoners were bound: and he was there in the prison.”
21) So the omnipotent master of the universe actually manipulated the universe to make the keeper of the prison like him? WOW!
Rather than keep him out of prison, having the wife lie about him and getting sold into slavery in the first place.
“But the LORD was with Joseph, and shewed him mercy, and gave him favour in the sight of the keeper of the prison.”
22) Huh? What the effity-ef is this even saying?
“And the keeper of the prison committed to Joseph’s hand all the prisoners that were in the prison; and whatsoever they did there, he was the doer of it.”
23) So I could be wrong here, but how do you tell God is your buddy again by looking at you?
I mean that isn’t being IN a prison kind of a sign God hates you, doesn’t care, or doesn’t exist?
“The keeper of the prison looked not to any thing that was under his hand; because the LORD was with him, and that which he did, the LORD made it to prosper.”
Ok well that was an unusully dull chapter that made me fall asleep at LEAST 3 times while both reading it and writing commentary for it!
So glad there was ONLY 23 verses. Whoa! I lucked out!
Aug 19-Monday> 2013
Nice! There’s only 23 verses today! It would be so awesome if this only took me an hour. Let’s see how long after.
1) Well the bible is definitely not an advocate of free speech that’s for sure.
“AND it came to pass after these things, that the butler of the king of Egypt and his baker had offended their lord the king of Egypt.”
2) I’m just going to assume “wroth” means angry. Gee these pharoah’s sure have a bad rap don’t they?
“And Pharaoh was wroth against two of his officers, against the chief of the butlers, and against the chief of the bakers.”
3) Great. Company. Now he can annoy other people like he annoyed his brothers.
“And he put them in ward in the house of the captain of the guard, into the prison, the place where Joseph was bound.”
4) So the prisoner is looking after the other prisoners, okay that actually is a good idea.
Reminds me of how today we should tax the churches, so that all the church goers who have had their minds imprisoned can at least help the other mental prisoners.
“And the captain of the guard charged Joseph with them, and he served them: and they continued a season in ward.”
5) Oh great. Here we are with dreams again. I just love those wonderful dream stories.
“And they dreamed a dream both of them, each man his dream in one night, each man according to the interpretation of his dream, the butler and the baker of the king of Egypt, which were bound in the prison.”
6) HUH?? Joseph “came in unto them”?
Isn’t that what they used to describe sex and well…. “the act of finishing”? WTF?!
“And Joseph came in unto them in the morning, and looked upon them, and, behold, they were sad.”
7) Well obviously they didn’t like the fact that he just had sex with them.
“And he asked Pharaoh’s officers that were with him in the ward of his lord’s house, saying, Wherefore look ye so sadly to day?”
8) Seriously, has anybody reading this ever had a coversation like this? You know, those conversations where you and your friends sit around and talk about your dreams from the night before? Maybe if you all did Magic mushrooms together.
“And they said unto him, We have dreamed a dream, and there is no interpreter of it. And Joseph said unto them, Do not interpretations belong to God? tell me them, I pray you.”
9) I just had to get up and bash my head against the wall.
“And the chief butler told his dream to Joseph, and said to him, In my dream, behold, a vine was before me;”
10) I mean, it can’t even be a good dream. WTF?!
“And in the vine were three branches: and it was as though it budded, and her blossoms shot forth; and the clusters thereof brought forth ripe grapes:”
11) This is something a bunch of retired woman at a nail salon might talk about maybe.
Aren’t there pay by the minute phone lines with psychics who interpret dreams?
“And Pharaoh’s cup was in my hand: and I took the grapes, and pressed them into Pharaoh’s cup, and I gave the cup into Pharaoh’s hand.”
12) Yeah I really could have possibly interpretted that into that. What a total load of crap.
“And Joseph said unto him, This is the interpretation of it: The three branches are three days:”
“Yet within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thine head, and restore thee unto thy place: and thou shalt deliver Pharaoh’s cup into his hand, after the former manner when thou wast his butler.”
This reminds me of Monty Python and their wonderful reasoning skills.
Please tell me how this is any different.
14) Such a wonderful and understandable putting together of words. Sarcasm of course.
“But think on me when it shall be well with thee, and shew kindness, I pray thee, unto me, and make mention of me unto Pharaoh, and bring me out of this house:”
I think he’s saying “tell Pharoah about him and tell him to let him out of jail.”
15) Uh, hello. Have you seen your whole backward society that bases everything on myth and is bigotted and treats women like animals?
Why would this be surprising that he’s in this situation when everything sucked so bad back then?
“For indeed I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews: and here also have I done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon.”
16) Of course we know that these people will believe anything and everything. Just like the people reading the bible who have been indoctrinated will believe everything.
“When the chief baker saw that the interpretation was good, he said unto Joseph, I also was in my dream, and, behold, I had three white baskets on my head:”
17) What a retarded dream.
“And in the uppermost basket there was of all manner of bakemeats for Pharaoh; and the birds did eat them out of the basket upon my head.”
18) Another “3 day” story?
“And Joseph answered and said, This is the interpretation thereof: The three baskets are three days:”
19) Well that’s a fine “howdy-do”.
“Yet within three days shall Pharaoh lift up thy head from off thee, and shall hang thee on a tree; and the birds shall eat thy flesh from off thee.”
20) So what exactly does “lifted up the head” mean? I guess it means “hung” or “cut off”.
“And it came to pass the third day, which was Pharaoh’s birthday, that he made a feast unto all his servants: and he lifted up the head of the chief butler and of the chief baker among his servants.”
21) And the record of this outside of the bible is of course non-existent. I love how when I try to tell people that the bible stands alone and that it isn’t a history book, but a collection of fairytales they try to tell me it isn’t.
“And he restored the chief butler unto his butlership again; and he gave the cup into Pharaoh’s hand:”
22) Speechless regarding how stupid people are to believe this and how it’s ANOTHER meaningless example of the omnipotent master of the universe’s power.
“But he hanged the chief baker: as Joseph had interpreted to them.”
Isn’t it nice how little significance the killing of the baker had to the bible.
23) Well WTF?! Do you blame him? Who’d wanna say anything to this guy? He’s nuts!
“Yet did not the chief butler remember Joseph, but forgat him.”
In case anyone was wondering how long that took me, it took me 2.75 hours.
I fell asleep reading it and thinking of something significant to comment on approx 12 times. Again I will repeat what I have said many times because the description fits perfect. “MIND NUMBINGLY BORING”. I even drank a Red Bull beforehand.
The next chapter has 57 verses to read, analyze and comment on. YAAY! I find it so odd that I’m reading the very thing that is supposed to make me a believer and that bible believers tell me to read, when all it does is prove to me even more why I’m an Atheist.
Aug 20-Tuesday> 2013
Well here we have a disgustingly long chapter with 57 chapters. I do recall this stupid story though. It is so very lame.
1) Yeah God sure gave Moses a lot of detail of stuff so far before he was born. Think about this stuff people.
“AND it came to pass at the end of two full years, that Pharaoh dreamed: and, behold, he stood by the river.”
2) Blah blah blah
“And, behold, there came up out of the river seven well favoured kine and fatfleshed; and they fed in a meadow.”
3) More dream talk blah blah blah
And, behold, seven other kine came up after them out of the river, ill favoured and leanfleshed; and stood by the other kine upon the brink of the river.
4) WTF?! Ok dreams are generally stupid but this was mindblowingly stupid.
“And the ill favoured and leanfleshed kine did eat up the seven well favoured and fat kine. So Pharaoh awoke.”
5) Just when I think it can’t say anything stupider….
“And he slept and dreamed the second time: and, behold, seven ears of corn came up upon one stalk, rank and good.”
6) Blah blah derp derp.
“And, behold, seven thin ears and blasted with the east wind sprung up after them.”
7) Yadda yadda yadda.
“And the seven thin ears devoured the seven rank and full ears. And Pharaoh awoke, and, behold, it was a dream.”
8) Oh boo hoo.
“And it came to pass in the morning that his spirit was troubled; and he sent and called for all the magicians of Egypt, and all the wise men thereof: and Pharaoh told them his dream; but there was none that could interpret them unto Pharaoh.”
9) Ok here we go. So gee I wonder where this is going? I wonder if he’ll get Joseph to tell him.
“Then spake the chief butler unto Pharaoh, saying, I do remember my faults this day:”
10) Flashback time.
“Pharaoh was wroth with his servants, and put me in ward in the captain of the guard’s house, both me and the chief baker:”
11) First off, wouldn’t people just normally go “wow what a stupid dream?”
“And we dreamed a dream in one night, I and he; we dreamed each man according to the interpretation of his dream.”
12) I just keep my stupid dreams to myself cause I know nobody cares and cause I think people will look at me like an idiot.
“And there was there with us a young man, an Hebrew, servant to the captain of the guard; and we told him, and he interpreted to us our dreams; to each man according to his dream he did interpret.”
13) Yeah well how come Joseph never had dreams that this was all going to happen in the first place?
“And it came to pass, as he interpreted to us, so it was; me he restored unto mine office, and him he hanged.”
14) Besides, even though this story is all bullcrap and nonsense, you really should remember how badly psychics are scams.
“Then Pharaoh sent and called Joseph, and they brought him hastily out of the dungeon: and he shaved himself, and changed his raiment, and came in unto Pharaoh.”
15) All I can think about is how there’s 57 verses in this stupid story and how stupid and boring it is.
“And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, I have dreamed a dream, and there is none that can interpret it: and I have heard say of thee, that thou canst understand a dream to interpret it.”
16) So this means what? God isn’t the one translating the dreams, Joseph is. Duhr.
“And Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, It is not in me: God shall give Pharaoh an answer of peace.”
17) Here we go with the stupid dream.
“And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, In my dream, behold, I stood upon the bank of the river:”
“And, behold, there came up out of the river seven kine, fatfleshed and well favoured; and they fed in a meadow:”
19) Who cares?
“And, behold, seven other kine came up after them, poor and very ill favoured and leanfleshed, such as I never saw in all the land of Egypt for badness:”
20) Here’s my interpretation…. HE’S AN IDIOT!!!
“And the lean and the ill favoured kine did eat up the first seven fat kine:”
21) I mean seriously, wouldn’t you just keep that to yourself?
“And when they had eaten them up, it could not be known that they had eaten them; but they were still ill favoured, as at the beginning. So I awoke.”
22) I wonder if anybody ever took this dream for fun and brought it to a dream interpreter NOW and asked them. I wonder what they would say?
Of course I mean someone with at least a degree in psychology and not a shister!
“And I saw in my dream, and, behold, seven ears came up in one stalk, full and good:”
23) What a corny dream! Snort Snort.
“And, behold, seven ears, withered, thin, and blasted with the east wind, sprung up after them:”
24) It just goes on and on and on.
“And the thin ears devoured the seven good ears: and I told this unto the magicians; but there was none that could declare it to me.”
25) Yeah cause God could really give a flying toss about telling people things in dreams. It’s too busy getting people to rape, war and making babies blind with deformities.
“And Joseph said unto Pharaoh, The dream of Pharaoh is one: God hath shewed Pharaoh what he is about to do.”
26) Yeah and if you believe that then I’ve got a magic carpet to sell you.
“The seven good kine are seven years; and the seven good ears are seven years: the dream is one.”
27) How about this interpretation? He LIKES CORN!
“And the seven thin and ill favoured kine that came up after them are seven years; and the seven empty ears blasted with the east wind shall be seven years of famine.”
28) So this is the bible’s life lesson then is “believe any ridiculous story anyone tells you if they say it has God in it”.
This just teaches people to be gullible fools.
“This is the thing which I have spoken unto Pharaoh: What God is about to do he sheweth unto Pharaoh.”
29) Yeah whatever.
“Behold, there come seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt:”
30) I can’t believe I’m actually stuck
reading this idiocy for the next 3 years. What was I thinking?
“And there shall arise after them seven years of famine; and all the plenty shall be forgotten in the land of Egypt; and the famine shall consume the land;”
31) Any verification of this outside of the bible? No? Then it didn’t happen.
“And the plenty shall not be known in the land by reason of that famine following; for it shall be very grievous.”
32) And everybody back then just jumps hoops when you say “God”.
“And for that the dream was doubled unto Pharaoh twice; it is because the thing is established by God, and God will shortly bring it to pass.”
33) Huh? Is he suggesting himself?
“Now therefore let Pharaoh look out a man discreet and wise, and set him over the land of Egypt.”
34) All this from a dream? I mean come on, do people not see that this story and pretty much most of the bible just teaches people to be stupid?
“Let Pharaoh do this, and let him appoint officers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egypt in the seven plenteous years.”
35) Wouldn’t Pharoah kinda act like the king in Braveheart here?
“And let them gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of Pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities.”
Wouldn’t Pharoah be like “who are you again? STFU!”
36) Oh please do tell me more Mr. Creepy guy I just found in a jail.
“And that food shall be for store to the land against the seven years of famine, which shall be in the land of Egypt; that the land perish not through the famine.”
37) Yeah okay. That’s exactly how it would have went down sure, sure.
“And the thing was good in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of all his servants.”
38) Are you kidding me? Gee I wonder where this is going? Do you think Joseph knows anyone?
“And Pharaoh said unto his servants, Can we find such a one as this is, a man in whom the Spirit of God is?”
39) Oh I never would have predicted Pharoah would say that (sarcasm).
“And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, Forasmuch as God hath shewed thee all this, there is none so discreet and wise as thou art:”
40) Does nobody realize how full of crap and unrealistic this scenerio sounds?
“Thou shalt be over my house, and according unto thy word shall all my people be ruled: only in the throne will I be greater than thou.”
Who reading this seriously believes a sane, rational person would say this? Ok, so obviously he wasn’t a sane, rational person then and just a gullible idiot (Pharaoh).
41) Which of course would be a stupid, irresponsible thing to do and the bible is teaching people to be dummies.
“And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, See, I have set thee over all the land of Egypt.”
42) Oh make it stop! Just make it stop!
I can’t believe people think this book has any wisdom, or anything meaningful to say!
“And Pharaoh took off his ring from his hand, and put it upon Joseph’s hand, and arrayed him in vestures of fine linen, and put a gold chain about his neck;”
43) This story is the most unbelievably far-fetched pile of bull manure I’ve read so far and that flood story was a doozy!
“And he made him to ride in the second chariot which he had; and they cried before him, Bow the knee: and he made him ruler over all the land of Egypt.”
44) Uh, hey Pharaoh, he really didn’t do anything.
“And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, I am Pharaoh, and without thee shall no man lift up his hand or foot in all the land of Egypt.”
45) WTF? What a stupid name! What’s with all the renaming anyway? That’s dumber than that bad guy from Superman.
“And Pharaoh called Joseph’s name Zaphnath-paaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On. And Joseph went out over all the land of Egypt.”
46) Shows how far lying to idiots gets you in life.
“And Joseph was thirty years old when he stood before Pharaoh king of Egypt. And Joseph went out from the presence of Pharaoh, and went throughout all the land of Egypt.”
47) So Pharaoh didn’t even wait for all this before bein all super nice to Joseph? How dumb!
“And in the seven plenteous years the earth brought forth by handfuls.”
48) Wouldn’t this have just been simple common sense anyway?
“And he gathered up all the food of the seven years, which were in the land of Egypt, and laid up the food in the cities: the food of the field, which was round about every city, laid he up in the same.”
49) Yeah yeah, there was a lot of corn. We get it.
“And Joseph gathered corn as the sand of the sea, very much, until he left numbering; for it was without number.”
50) Yaaay kids. Life is so perfect for him. We get it, we get it!
“And unto Joseph were born two sons before the years of famine came, which Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On bare unto him.”
51) Let this story just be over.
“And Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh: For God, said he, hath made me forget all my toil, and all my father’s house.”
52) Ugh. Upon reading this book I have learned to despise the word “fruitful”. Who says that?
“And the name of the second called he Ephraim: For God hath caused me to be fruitful in the land of my affliction.”
53) This story makes as much sense as multimillionaire priests getting so much money from people thinking they OWE the church money but all they do is make evangelists rich!
“And the seven years of plenteousness, that was in the land of Egypt, were ended.”
54) Yaaay! Bread!!! 😴🔫
“And the seven years of dearth began to come, according as Joseph had said: and the dearth was in all lands; but in all the land of Egypt there was bread.”
55) Wait, wouldn’t the bread all be moldy? They kinda didn’t have fridges back then.
“And when all the land of Egypt was famished, the people cried to Pharaoh for bread: and Pharaoh said unto all the Egyptians, Go unto Joseph; what he saith to you, do.”
Yeah, I’m sure they were going “WE WANT BREAD! WE WANT BREAD!”
56) Just one more verse! Then this painfully far fetched story with no historical accuracy, significance or moral teaching will be over!
“And the famine was over all the face of the earth: And Joseph opened all the storehouses, and sold unto the Egyptians; and the famine waxed sore in the land of Egypt.”
57) Well here’s a thought… STOP SACRIFICING FOOD TO GODS AND WASTING IT! DUHR!!!
“And all countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn; because that the famine was so sore in all lands.”
Seriously though, what was the point of this story? Who really cares about anything this chapter said? People are idiots! Whoever wrote this was an idiot and whoever believes this is an idiot!
That’s the bottom line.
Aug 21-Wednesday> 2013
Back again. I won’t spoil the ending but I will say that the story is completely retarded and sounds as realistic as the 3 Little Pigs.
1) This sentence makes no sense. It’s like if I said “oh no it’s gonna rain, so I said to my cat, do you like peanut butter sandwiches?”
“NOW when Jacob saw that there was corn in Egypt, Jacob said unto his sons, Why do ye look one upon another?”
2) This stupid bible should have merged 1 and 2 together.
“And he said, Behold, I have heard that there is corn in Egypt: get you down thither, and buy for us from thence; that we may live, and not die.”
3) There be corn in them there hills!
“And Joseph’s ten brethren went down to buy corn in Egypt.”
4) How special.
“But Benjamin, Joseph’s brother, Jacob sent not with his brethren; for he said, Lest peradventure mischief befall him.”
5) We get the picture.
“And the sons of Israel came to buy corn among those that came: for the famine was in the land of Canaan.”
6) I will give credit where it’s due, but so far while reading this bible I have not been able. It’s just such a cheezy unbelievable story.
“And Joseph was the governor over the land, and he it was that sold to all the people of the land: and Joseph’s brethren came, and bowed down themselves before him with their faces to the earth.”
7) Well just look at “Mr. Jokey” here.
“And Joseph saw his brethren, and he knew them, but made himself strange unto them, and spake roughly unto them; and he said unto them, Whence come ye? And they said, From the land of Canaan to buy food.”
8) Well aren’t we sneaky?
“And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him.”
9) Great, so here we have the bible promoting lying. Oh great, more stupid dreams. Who doesn’t have dreams?
“And Joseph remembered the dreams which he dreamed of them, and said unto them, Ye are spies; to see the nakedness of the land ye are come.”
10) WTF?! Can’t they just talk normal?
“And they said unto him, Nay, my lord, but to buy food are thy servants come.”
11) I think that maybe Joseph would be just a little more pissed off than he let on here.
“We are all one man’s sons; we are true men, thy servants are no spies.”
12) Again, WTF is it saying? This really is stupid!
“And he said unto them, Nay, but to see the nakedness of the land ye are come.”
13) Yeah sure they would bring that up.
“And they said, Thy servants are twelve brethren, the sons of one man in the land of Canaan; and, behold, the youngest is this day with our father, and one is not.”
14) Well aren’t we so mature? What are we 10?
“And Joseph said unto them, That is it that I spake unto you, saying, Ye are spies:”
15) Yeah this is so believable.
“Hereby ye shall be proved: By the life of Pharaoh ye shall not go forth hence, except your youngest brother come hither.”
So let’s teach people to abuse their power, oh wait, the bishops and priests already do a good job of that.
16) Let’s teach people to be this demented and freak out little kids.
“Send one of you, and let him fetch your brother, and ye shall be kept in prison, that your words may be proved, whether there be any truth in you: or else by the life of Pharaoh surely ye are spies.”
17) Yeah, yeah Mr. Jokey. Aren’t we witty?
“And he put them all together into ward three days.”
18) Again with the WTF’s! I can’t even understand what they’re talking about!
“And Joseph said unto them the third day, This do, and live; for I fear God:”
19) So he kinda realized “hey this is funny and everything but ain’t Dad starvin back home?”
“If ye be true men, let one of your brethren be bound in the house of your prison: go ye, carry corn for the famine of your houses:”
20) What a prick!
“But bring your youngest brother unto me; so shall your words be verified, and ye shall not die. And they did so.”
21) I think they’re saying they didn’t want to take the younger brother.
“And they said one to another, We are verily guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.”
22) All I hear is “yackity yackity yack!”
“And Reuben answered them, saying, Spake I not unto you, saying, Do not sin against the child; and ye would not hear? therefore, behold, also his blood is required.”
23) Ok, even more confusing. Wonderful.
“And they knew not that Joseph understood them; for he spake unto them by an interpreter.”
24) Awww he cried. How special. Well if it’s one thing this has shown us it’s that the bible is perfectly alright with taking a joke way too far.
“And he turned himself about from them, and wept; and returned to them again, and communed with them, and took from them Simeon, and bound him before their eyes.”
25) Just shows that absolute power corrupts absolutely, but that wasn’t in the bible that was a quote from the late 1800’s.
“Then Joseph commanded to fill their sacks with corn, and to restore every man’s money into his sack, and to give them provision for the way: and thus did he unto them.”
26) They laded their asses did they?
“And they laded their asses with the corn, and departed thence.”
27) I should have kept track from the beginning of how many verses make no sense whatsover.
“And as one of them opened his sack to give his ass provender in the inn, he espied his money; for, behold, it was in his sack’s mouth.”
28) Since I didn’t understand 27 then I really don’t understand 28 here. WTF?’
“And he said unto his brethren, My money is restored; and, lo, it is even in my sack: and their heart failed them, and they were afraid, saying one to another, What is this that God hath done unto us?”
29) Way to upset your dad Joseph. IDIOT!
“And they came unto Jacob their father unto the land of Canaan, and told him all that befell unto them; saying,”
30) Anyone ever think that if Joseph was such a great guy he would have just told his idiot brothers to go screw themselves and told them he would only talk to their dad?
Then when Jacob showed up told him what a bunch of idiots the brothers were and what they did?
“The man, who is the lord of the land, spake roughly to us, and took us for spies of the country.”
31) Ugh. Just 7 more verses. I still don’t get how this benefits my life reading any of this book. Not to mention how boring it is.
“And we said unto him, We are true men; we are no spies:”
32) Yeah yeah we know the deal. Why don’t they just say “they told Jacob what happened”?
“We be twelve brethren, sons of our father; one is not, and the youngest is this day with our father in the land of Canaan.”
33) So basically the bible is teaching people to do petty stupid things that make no sense.
“And the man, the lord of the country, said unto us, Hereby shall I know that ye are true men; leave one of your brethren here with me, and take food for the famine of your households, and be gone:”
34) What a creepy request.
“And bring your youngest brother unto me: then shall I know that ye are no spies, but that ye are true men: so will I deliver you your brother, and ye shall traffick in the land.”
35) Ok, why were they afraid? No idea what this means.
“And it came to pass as they emptied their sacks, that, behold, every man’s bundle of money was in his sack: and when both they and their father saw the bundles of money, they were afraid.”
36) Yeah, way to go Joseph, way to give your dad a heart attack.
“And Jacob their father said unto them, Me have ye bereaved of my children: Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and ye will take Benjamin away: all these things are against me.”
37) WHAT THE F@€£?!! Slay his 2 sons? MESSED UP!!!
“And Reuben spake unto his father, saying, Slay my two sons, if I bring him not to thee: deliver him into my hand, and I will bring him to thee again.”
38) Sooooo glad this stupid chapter is over! What a steamy pile of smelly bull manure this was. 🐂💩
“And he said, My son shall not go down with you; for his brother is dead, and he is left alone: if mischief befall him by the way in the which ye go, then shall ye bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.”
Anyway. Just 4 more chapters til Exodus. Just took a a quick look and Exodus only has 40 chapters with 1-27 being pretty short and 28-40 being waaay longer. Might double up some short ones just to get this stupid thing over sooner.
Aug 23-Friday> 2013
YAAY more boring showing off from Joseph stories. Please let this be the last and final pointless Joseph story.
1) Let the mature revenge pranks begin.
“AND he commanded the steward of his house, saying, Fill the men’s sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put every man’s money in his sack’s mouth.”
2) As I said.
“And put my cup, the silver cup, in the sack’s mouth of the youngest, and his corn money. And he did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.”
3) They got their asses outta there!
“As soon as the morning was light, the men were sent away, they and their asses.”
4) What a prankster. I hope people realize that none of this happened.
“And when they were gone out of the city, and not yet far off, Joseph said unto his steward, Up, follow after the men; and when thou dost overtake them, say unto them, Wherefore have ye rewarded evil for good?”
5) The childish games just go on and on.
“Is not this it in which my lord drinketh, and whereby indeed he divineth? ye have done evil in so doing.”
6) And his people didn’t report this to Pharaoh for abuse of power?
“And he overtook them, and he spake unto them these same words.”
7) Hey it just dawned on me that this is probably how the whole “how the Israelites ended up in Egypt” nonsense happened. Hey it’s been 30 years since I read this. Leave me alone.
So anybody wonder why God did all this just to get people stuck in Egypt in the 1st place?
“And they said unto him, Wherefore saith my lord these words? God forbid that thy servants should do according to this thing:”
8) Are they that stupid? No because this story isn’t real and never happened.
“Behold, the money, which we found in our sacks’ mouths, we brought again unto thee out of the land of Canaan: how then should we steal out of thy lord’s house silver or gold?”
9) Yadda yadda yadda.
“With whomsoever of thy servants it be found, both let him die, and we also will be my lord’s bondmen.”
10) What a wonderful lesson of playing hardball and showing people it’s alright to bully. Yeah I know it’s a joke, but still.
“And he said, Now also let it be according unto your words: he with whom it is found shall be my servant; and ye shall be blameless.”
11) Uh huh.
“Then they speedily took down every man his sack to the ground, and opened every man his sack.”
12) All according to plan BWAHAHA
Ah, you’ve already seen my Dr.Evil laugh clip. Oh well.
“And he searched, and began at the eldest, and left at the youngest: and the cup was found in Benjamin’s sack.”
13) Huh? They rented clothes?
“Then they rent their clothes, and laded every man his ass, and returned to the city.”
14) So I guess that story of Judah where he knocks up his daughter in law when he thought she was a hooker was a time jump ahead. The buy-bull fails to mention that.
“And Judah and his brethren came to Joseph’s house; for he was yet there: and they fell before him on the ground.”
15) Oh the drama.
“And Joseph said unto them, What deed is this that ye have done? wot ye not that such a man as I can certainly divine?”
16) I guess he’s saying that they’re his servants because they don’t want anything bad to happen to them basically and they’re scared.
“And Judah said, What shall we say unto my lord? what shall we speak? or how shall we clear ourselves? God hath found out the iniquity of thy servants: behold, we are my lord’s servants, both we, and he also with whom the cup is found.”
17) You know what? This actually has taught me a valuable lesson. I intend to get revenge on anybody and everybody who wronged me, even if it’s years later. Great lesson.
“And he said, God forbid that I should do so: but the man in whose hand the cup is found, he shall be my servant; and as for you, get you up in peace unto your father.”
18) Now the bible is teaching people to grovel like spineless weasels.
“Then Judah came near unto him, and said, Oh my lord, let thy servant, I pray thee, speak a word in my lord’s ears, and let not thine anger burn against thy servant: for thou art even as Pharaoh.”
19) The flood story never dragged on like this.
“My lord asked his servants, saying, Have ye a father, or a brother?”
20) Yeah, of course he’s gonna bring up Joseph being gone. Suuuuure.
“And we said unto my lord, We have a father, an old man, and a child of his old age, a little one; and his brother is dead, and he alone is left of his mother, and his father loveth him.”
“And thou saidst unto thy servants, Bring him down unto me, that I may set mine eyes upon him.”
22) GET THIS POINTLESS STORY OVER WITH!
“And we said unto my lord, The lad cannot leave his father: for if he should leave his father, his father would die.”
23) It just drags on and on and on!
“And thou saidst unto thy servants, Except your youngest brother come down with you, ye shall see my face no more.”
24) Could a story seriously be this boring? Well I guess it could if there was family history in it so I guess it could be worse.
“And it came to pass when we came up unto thy servant my father, we told him the words of my lord.”
25) Yeah way to go Jacob/Israel putting your son at risk because you liked corn.
“And our father said, Go again, and buy us a little food.”
26) Why must the buy-bull repeat itself over and over and over?
“And we said, We cannot go down: if our youngest brother be with us, then will we go down: for we may not see the man’s face, except our youngest brother be with us.”
27) Maybe the person who wrote this had Alzheimers and forgets they said stuff already several times.
“And thy servant my father said unto us, Ye know that my wife bare me two sons:”
They also must be extremely boring and don’t know how to make a point!
28) It just won’t end this story. It’s like the thing that just won’t die!
“And the one went out from me, and I said, Surely he is torn in pieces; and I saw him not since:”
29) So the story basically is teaching us to be super dramatic and drag things on til we just go insane!
“And if ye take this also from me, and mischief befall him, ye shall bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to the grave.”
30) So now the bible teaches us to not learn our lesson and still keep playing favorites with our kids.
“Now therefore when I come to thy servant my father, and the lad be not with us; seeing that his life is bound up in the lad’s life;”
31) Blah blah blah brother not with them derp derp father dies. We get it!
Again though, it’s not like this story was real and ever even happened.
“It shall come to pass, when he seeth that the lad is not with us, that he will die: and thy servants shall bring down the gray hairs of thy servant our father with sorrow to the grave.”
32) Well that was just stupid then wasn’t it and irresponsible!
“For thy servant became surety for the lad unto my father, saying, If I bring him not unto thee, then I shall bear the blame to my father for ever.”
33) Ok too bored and annoyed for commentary. Just the same old boring stuff it says over and over!
“Now therefore, I pray thee, let thy servant abide instead of the lad a bondman to my lord; and let the lad go up with his brethren.”
34) AGAIN it’s the same thing over and over!
“For how shall I go up to my father, and the lad be not with me? lest peradventure I see the evil that shall come on my father.”
Please don’t let the next chapter just repeat things over and over again like the way this does! Oh who am I kidding? It’s the buy-bull!
Aug 24-Saturday> 2013
Argh. I just took a quick peek below and I hate to tell you but there really isn’t much of a point. I know that’s so surprising.
1) Oh boo hoo.
“THEN Joseph could not refrain himself before all them that stood by him; and he cried, Cause every man to go out from me. And there stood no man with him, while Joseph made himself known unto his brethren.”
2) Did they really want some goof abusing his power and whining like a baby?
“And he wept aloud: and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard.”
3) Is this now supposed to be a lesson on effective communication? Total fail.
“And Joseph said unto his brethren, I am Joseph; doth my father yet live? And his brethren could not answer him; for they were troubled at his presence.”
4) Yeah yeah big revelation. Yee haa!
“And Joseph said unto his brethren, Come near to me, I pray you. And they came near. And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt.”
5) So what is this supposed to teach? That everything is God’s plan? So again, that would include the famine?
“Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.”
6) Yeah, again, great job with the famine there God.
“For these two years hath the famine been in the land: and yet there are five years, in the which there shall neither be earing nor harvest.”
7) Yeah, okay and AGAIN let’s not forget the famine that God could have prevented but didn’t.
“And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance.”
8) Yeah, cause not having God play a part in getting you somewhere in life is pointless.
“So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God: and he hath made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all the land of Egypt.”
9) So now the lesson is to be a braggart.
“Haste ye, and go up to my father, and say unto him, Thus saith thy son Joseph, God hath made me lord of all Egypt: come down unto me, tarry not:”
10) Ok who cares? This is just dragging again.
“And thou shalt dwell in the land of Goshen, and thou shalt be near unto me, thou, and thy children, and thy children’s children, and thy flocks, and thy herds, and all that thou hast:”
11) Great. It’s like Cinderella.
“And there will I nourish thee; for yet there are five years of famine; lest thou, and thy household, and all that thou hast, come to poverty.”
“And, behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my brother Benjamin, that it is my mouth that speaketh unto you.”
13) Now it’s teaching us to be egomaniacs!
“And ye shall tell my father of all my glory in Egypt, and of all that ye have seen: and ye shall haste and bring down my father hither.”
14) Now it’s teaching us to be big cry babies.
“And he fell upon his brother Benjamin’s neck, and wept; and Benjamin wept upon his neck.”
15) Now this is some super boring stuff.
“Moreover he kissed all his brethren, and wept upon them: and after that his brethren talked with him.”
16) Yeah, I’m sure Pharaoh, a guy who has people hung and who everyone is afraid of, would really care.
“And the fame thereof was heard in Pharaoh’s house, saying, Joseph’s brethren are come: and it pleased Pharaoh well, and his servants.”
17) Does anybody not see how special this is? This is too “special” to be believable.
“And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, Say unto thy brethren, This do ye; lade your beasts, and go, get you unto the land of Canaan;”
18) So this teaches us to show off our money to make ourselves look like big shots!
“And take your father and your households, and come unto me: and I will give you the good of the land of Egypt, and ye shall eat the fat of the land.”
19) Again, isn’t this how they got into Egypt in the 1st place?
“Now thou art commanded, this do ye; take you wagons out of the land of Egypt for your little ones, and for your wives, and bring your father, and come.”
20) Okay, okay. Enough already with all the bragging.
“Also regard not your stuff; for the good of all the land of Egypt is yours.”
21) Yeah cause Pharaoh would just be like Mr. Rogers here.
“And the children of Israel did so: and Joseph gave them wagons, according to the commandment of Pharaoh, and gave them provision for the way.”
22) Yeah we get it.
“To all of them he gave each man changes of raiment; but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver, and five changes of raiment.”
23) Ok, just get this overwith please.
“And to his father he sent after this manner; ten asses laden with the good things of Egypt, and ten she asses laden with corn and bread and meat for his father by the way.”
24) Zzzzzzz Oh just get this over with.
“So he sent his brethren away, and they departed: and he said unto them, See that ye fall not out by the way.”
25) Just 3 more verses. Then this pointess, boring story is over!
“And they went up out of Egypt, and came into the land of Canaan unto Jacob their father,”
26) This story is proof of evolution. 3000 years ago stories were all this boring, but with time they evolved into stories that were interesting.
“And told him, saying, Joseph is yet alive, and he is governor over all the land of Egypt. And Jacob’s heart fainted, for he believed them not.”
27) Ok so this is the part where they teach people to not be accountable for their crimes?
“And they told him all the words of Joseph, which he had said unto them: and when he saw the wagons which Joseph had sent to carry him, the spirit of Jacob their father revived:”
28) NOOOO It’s the last verse in the chapter and there’s still gonna be more of Joseph and this completely pointless story.
“And Israel said, It is enough; Joseph my son is yet alive: I will go and see him before I die.”
I can’t believe people actually paid money to see this on stage! WTF?!
Just shows you how the bible is all about making money and nothing else.
Aug 26-Monday> 2013
1) How special.
“THEN Joseph came and told Pharaoh, and said, My father and my brethren, and their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have, are come out of the land of Canaan; and, behold, they are in the land of Goshen.”
2) Why would Pharaoh even care? He wouldn’t!
“And he took some of his brethren, even five men, and presented them unto Pharaoh.”
3) I thought he just told them last chapter to lie and not say they were sheperds? WTF?!
“And Pharaoh said unto his brethren, What is your occupation? And they said unto Pharaoh, Thy servants are shepherds, both we, and also our fathers.”
4) Wait a second. This just dawned on me. How are they supposed to lie about being sheperds if they’re looking after sheep? WTF again?!
“They said moreover unto Pharaoh, For to sojourn in the land are we come; for thy servants have no pasture for their flocks; for the famine is sore in the land of Canaan: now therefore, we pray thee, let thy servants dwell in the land of Goshen.”
5) Uh yeah. What did he think?
“And Pharaoh spake unto Joseph, saying, Thy father and thy brethren are come unto thee:”
6) Ok this is so boring. Like seriously, who cares?
“The land of Egypt is before thee; in the best of the land make thy father and brethren to dwell; in the land of Goshen let them dwell: and if thou knowest any men of activity among them, then make them rulers over my cattle.”
7) How does Joseph bless anyone?
“And Joseph brought in Jacob his father, and set him before Pharaoh: and Jacob blessed Pharaoh.”
8) Another absurd example of people living ridiculously long years.
I’m reminding people again that people only lived to an average age of 35 years old.
“And Pharaoh said unto Jacob, How old art thou?”
“And Jacob said unto Pharaoh, The days of the years of my pilgrimage are an hundred and thirty years: few and evil have the days of the years of my life been, and have not attained unto the days of the years of the life of my fathers in the days of their pilgrimage.”
10) How can they bless anybody? Didn’t Esau Jacob’s brother get all mad at Jacob when he “stole”, Esau’s blessing?
“And Jacob blessed Pharaoh, and went out from before Pharaoh.”
11) Great. Well isn’t that nice?
“And Joseph placed his father and his brethren, and gave them a possession in the land of Egypt, in the best of the land, in the land of Rameses, as Pharaoh had commanded.”
12) Well it’s good that the famine isn’t affecting them any. You know, the famine that is God’s fault?
“And Joseph nourished his father, and his brethren, and all his father’s household, with bread, according to their families.”
13) Ok, so a completely different verse than the one above this. HUH?
“And there was no bread in all the land; for the famine was very sore, so that the land of Egypt and all the land of Canaan fainted by reason of the famine.”
14) Okay, so the point of that would be?
“And Joseph gathered up all the money that was found in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, for the corn which they bought: and Joseph brought the money into Pharaoh’s house.”
15) So money didn’t get anyone food?
“And when money failed in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, all the Egyptians came unto Joseph, and said, Give us bread: for why should we die in thy presence? for the money faileth.”
16) So cattle for money?
“And Joseph said, Give your cattle; and I will give you for your cattle, if money fail.”
17) This is so boring. I really could care less what ridiculous untrue things Joesph did here. I’m only reading this bible so I can show religies that I actually did read it.
The more I read, the more Atheist I am becoming! If that’s possible.
“And they brought their cattle unto Joseph: and Joseph gave them bread in exchange for horses, and for the flocks, and for the cattle of the herds, and for the asses: and he fed them with bread for all their cattle for that year.”
18) Oh whatever. Again, who cares?
“When that year was ended, they came unto him the second year, and said unto him, We will not hide it from my lord, how that our money is spent; my lord also hath our herds of cattle; there is not ought left in the sight of my lord, but our bodies, and our lands:”
19) Waaaaahhhh! Boo hoo.
“Wherefore shall we die before thine eyes, both we and our land? buy us and our land for bread, and we and our land will be servants unto Pharaoh: and give us seed, that we may live, and not die, that the land be not desolate.”
20) So how is that good?
“And Joseph bought all the land of Egypt for Pharaoh; for the Egyptians sold every man his field, because the famine prevailed over them: so the land became Pharaoh’s.”
21) Funny how there is no record of this ridiculous story outside of the bible.
“And as for the people, he removed them to cities from one end of the borders of Egypt even to the other end thereof.”
22) Priests? What did they preach?
“Only the land of the priests bought he not; for the priests had a portion assigned them of Pharaoh, and did eat their portion which Pharaoh gave them: wherefore they sold not their lands.”
23) That sucks. They gotta plant it!
“Then Joseph said unto the people, Behold, I have bought you this day and your land for Pharaoh: lo, here is seed for you, and ye shall sow the land.”
24) Is it like a tax?
“And it shall come to pass in the increase, that ye shall give the fifth part unto Pharaoh, and four parts shall be your own, for seed of the field, and for your food, and for them of your households, and for food for your little ones.”
25) Yeah sure. That’s exactly what they said too. Give us a break!
“And they said, Thou hast saved our lives: let us find grace in the sight of my lord, and we will be Pharaoh’s servants.”
26) I highly doubt that’s still goin on today! Egypt is just a big pile of fun today with all the riots and revolutions.
“And Joseph made it a law over the land of Egypt unto this day, that Pharaoh should have the fifth part; except the land of the priests only, which became not Pharaoh’s.”
27) Ok these verses are just downright boring.
While we’re on the subject of pharaohs and Egypt and all that. Check this out:
No verification of this bible story whatsoever!
“And Israel dwelt in the land of Egypt, in the country of Goshen; and they had possessions therein, and grew, and multiplied exceedingly.”
28) Yeah that’s so believable.
“And Jacob lived in the land of Egypt seventeen years: so the whole age of Jacob was an hundred forty and seven years.”
29) How touching.
“And the time drew nigh that Israel must die: and he called his son Joseph, and said unto him, If now I have found grace in thy sight, put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh, and deal kindly and truly with me; bury me not, I pray thee, in Egypt:”
30) What a pain in the ass old people are.
“But I will lie with my fathers, and thou shalt carry me out of Egypt, and bury me in their buryingplace. And he said, I will do as thou hast said.”
31) Yeah whatever.
“And he said, Swear unto me. And he sware unto him. And Israel bowed himself upon the bed’s head.”
So as I was looking stuff up, I thought you might find this interesting.
The one I just showed you of the biblical pharaohs:
The chronology of the bible:
The actual pharaohs (not made up):
Aug 27-Tuesday> 2013
Back again. To think, just 2 more chapters and I’ll have finished an entire “book of” whatever.
Now if only the bible was something of value.
It’s my lucky day too! Only 22 verses!
1) Well yeah that’s what happens when you reach 60 years old back in that time period (I’m being generous Jacob was NOT 147years old).
“AND it came to pass after these things, that one told Joseph, Behold, thy father is sick: and he took with him his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim.”
2) Ok, again I’m really confused about the whole “cometh unto thee” part.
Oh wait I just looked at chapter 38 where Judah knocked up his daughter in law in chapter 38:16 ” let me come in unto thee;” Alright I see the difference.
I will do my best to try and remember.
“And one told Jacob, and said, Behold, thy son Joseph cometh unto thee: and Israel strengthened himself, and sat upon the bed.”
3) Yeah sure God appeared. Not an angel? Not “Satan”?
“And Jacob said unto Joseph, God Almighty appeared unto me at Luz in the land of Canaan, and blessed me,”
4) Which is basically a meaningless statement. Anybody could say that! Any psychic tarot card reader could say that.
“And said unto me, Behold, I will make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, and I will make of thee a multitude of people; and will give this land to thy seed after thee for an everlasting possession.”
So the evidence for this is what?
5) Yeah, yeah, keep your family together. Remember folks that this isn’t a lesson, that’s called “evolution and family bonding and instinct”
Maybe you’ve heard of “hunter gatherers”?
“And now thy two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, which were born unto thee in the land of Egypt before I came unto thee into Egypt, are mine; as Reuben and Simeon, they shall be mine.”
6) I think he means calling the land “Israel” after Jacob’s new name.
“And thy issue, which thou begettest after them, shall be thine, and shall be called after the name of their brethren in their inheritance.”
7) Ok, so he buried her there, so what? So the point of bringing this up again is what?
Hmmm let me think long and hard on this. I know you’re just expecting me to just go “there was of course no point”, but let’s seriously think of something.
Ok, nope there really was no reason. Very pointless.
“And as for me, when I came from Padan, Rachel died by me in the land of Canaan in the way, when yet there was but a little way to come unto Ephrath: and I buried her there in the way of Ephrath; the same is Beth-lehem.”
8) Is this Alzheimers kicking in? Dementia? Blind?
“And Israel beheld Joseph’s sons, and said, Who are these?”
9) So what is he magic? How does he “bless” anyone?
“And Joseph said unto his father, They are my sons, whom God hath given me in this place. And he said, Bring them, I pray thee, unto me, and I will bless them.”
10) How close to death is he?
“Now the eyes of Israel were dim for age, so that he could not see. And he brought them near unto him; and he kissed them, and embraced them.”
If he’s hugging them I think this story is just a little on the dramatic side here.
11) Yeah, I just love how everyone thinks that God is responsible for everything.
“And Israel said unto Joseph, I had not thought to see thy face: and, lo, God hath shewed me also thy seed.”
12) Brought what from between his knees.
“And Joseph brought them out from between his knees, and he bowed himself with his face to the earth.”
13) Again, these were details told from Moses who was told by God. God sure was a talkitive person to Moses since Moses wasn’t even born yet.
“And Joseph took them both, Ephraim in his right hand toward Israel’s left hand, and Manasseh in his left hand toward Israel’s right hand, and brought them near unto him.”
14) Ok that’s sad. Untrue, made-up and completely unfactual, but sad none the less.
“And Israel stretched out his right hand, and laid it upon Ephraim’s head, who was the younger, and his left hand upon Manasseh’s head, guiding his hands wittingly; for Manasseh was the firstborn.”
15) YAAY more magic blessing powers.
“And he blessed Joseph, and said, God, before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac did walk, the God which fed me all my life long unto this day.”
16) So what does that really do? What if god just decides to ignore the prayer? How do you even know if god is answering the prayer or it just ignored the prayer but natural circumstances caused prayers to be answered?
And a “blessing”? WTF?!
“The Angel which redeemed me from all evil, bless the lads; and let my name be named on them, and the name of my fathers Abraham and Isaac; and let them grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth.”
17) Oh this is so stupid! WHO CARES whose head his hand is on? WTF?!
“And when Joseph saw that his father laid his right hand upon the head of Ephraim, it displeased him: and he held up his father’s hand, to remove it from Ephraim’s head unto Manasseh’s head.”
18) Oh woop-dee-doo! I’m sure that God would know the difference.
“And Joseph said unto his father, Not so, my father: for this is the firstborn; put thy right hand upon his head.”
19) So the bible is now teaching people that it’s ok to give your kids a complex.
“And his father refused, and said, I know it, my son, I know it: he also shall become a people, and he also shall be great: but truly his younger brother shall be greater than he, and his seed shall become a multitude of nations.”
20) What does this even mean? How is this not completely retarded?
I guess it’s the alzheimers and dementia talking!
“And he blessed them that day, saying, In thee shall Israel bless, saying, God make thee as Ephraim and as Manasseh: and he set Ephraim before Manasseh.”
21) Huh? Land of the fathers? WTF does that mean? Is this so there can be foreshadowing of those ridiculous predictions they talk about WITHIN the bible.
“And Israel said unto Joseph, Behold, I die: but God shall be with you, and bring you again unto the land of your fathers.”
22) This verse makes no sense. Jacob did no such thing, so what is he talking about? Amorites are “giants”.
“Moreover I have given to thee one portion above thy brethren, which I took out of the hand of the Amorite with my sword and with my bow.”
What a way to end a chapter!
Aug 28-Wednesday> 2013
Ok just one more chapter after this! WAHOO!
1) Ok, why would they think he’s dying if he’s supposedly 147 years old? From the way he sounds he could just have a cold, or the flu. Oh wait, back then if people got a cold, or flu they often DIED! Which is why people had an average lifespan of 35 years old.
“AND Jacob called unto his sons, and said, Gather yourselves together, that I may tell you that which shall befall you in the last days.”
2) This story is laying it on too thick!
“Gather yourselves together, and hear, ye sons of Jacob; and hearken unto Israel your father.”
3) How nice.
“Reuben, thou art my firstborn, my might, and the beginning of my strength, the excellency of dignity, and the excellency of power:”
4) What does this even mean? Does it mean that he was giving Reuben compliments in 3) and now he’s telling him his faults and what pisses him off?
“Unstable as water, thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father’s bed; then defiledst thou it: he went up to my couch.”
5) Is this where Jacob finally tells them off about what his sons did to Joseph by selling him as a slave?
“Simeon and Levi are brethren; instruments of cruelty are in their habitations.”
6) WTF?! So again is he talking about what they did to Joseph?
“O my soul, come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly, mine honour, be not thou united: for in their anger they slew a man, and in their selfwill they digged down a wall.”
7) Divide them in Jacob and scatter them in Israel? Isn’t he Jacob? Is he suggesting that they be seperated from each other so that they aren’t a bad influence on each other?
“Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce; and their wrath, for it was cruel: I will divide them in Jacob, and scatter them in Israel.”
8) Guess Judah is a badass is what he means.
“Judah, thou art he whom thy brethren shall praise: thy hand shall be in the neck of thine enemies; thy father’s children shall bow down before thee.”
9) Yep, Judah is a badass.
“Judah is a lion’s whelp: from the prey, my son, thou art gone up: he stooped down, he couched as a lion, and as an old lion; who shall rouse him up?”
10) Ok I just looked up “Shiloh” on Wikipedia and here’s what it said:
“Shiloh” is supposed to be Jesus. Yeah whatever.
“The sceptre shall not depart from Judah, nor a lawgiver from between his feet, until Shiloh come; and unto him shall the gathering of the people be.”
11) I think this is Jacob saying that Judah is a drunk.
“Binding his foal unto the vine, and his ass’s colt unto the choice vine; he washed his garments in wine, and his clothes in the blood of grapes:”
12) How are his teeth supposed to be white if he drinks all this wine? Doesn’t wine stain and rot your teeth?
“His eyes shall be red with wine, and his teeth white with milk.”
Also, has anybody thought about how since their were no tooth brushes, or toothpaste back then, or dentists, that everybody would be toothless by the age of 35? That usually is how it works.
13) Zebulon is the 6th son of Jacob and Leah.
Yeah, I know I should have remembered that, but it’s a ridiculous name and mixed in with 100’s of other names that are ridiculous.
“Zebulun shall dwell at the haven of the sea; and he shall be for an haven of ships; and his border shall be unto Zidon.”
14) He’s a “strong ass”? WTF?!
He’s calling his 5th son with Leah a lazy person I think.
“Issachar is a strong ass couching down between two burdens:”
15) I guess he didn’t have a problem with the rest of his kids.
“And he saw that rest was good, and the land that it was pleasant; and bowed his shoulder to bear, and became a servant unto tribute.”
16) That’s weird, it says that Dan is Jacob’s 5th son also.
“Dan shall judge his people, as one of the tribes of Israel.”
17) Is Jacob high on some kind of ancient drugs?
“Dan shall be a serpent by the way, an adder in the path, that biteth the horse heels, so that his rider shall fall backward.”
18) Salvation from what? How stupid!
“I have waited for thy salvation, O LORD.”
19) Huh? I have no idea what they’re talkin about, but here’s a link to that son “Gad”
“Gad, a troop shall overcome him: but he shall overcome at the last.”
20) I guess that means he’ll be rich.
“Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, and he shall yield royal dainties.”
21) Sure he did.
“Naphtali is a hind let loose: he giveth goodly words.”
22) YAAY more praising Joseph.
“Joseph is a fruitful bough, even a fruitful bough by a well; whose branches run over the wall:”
23) Archers? What kind of stories was Joseph telling his dad? Oh yeah, again I almost forgot that this story never happened.
“The archers have sorely grieved him, and shot at him, and hated him:
24) Ok this makes no sense. Jacob wasn’t an archer and what is “the stone of Israel”?
“But his bow abode in strength, and the arms of his hands were made strong by the hands of the mighty God of Jacob; (from thence is the shepherd, the stone of Israel:)”
25) Okay this is laying it on a little thick.
“Even by the God of thy father, who shall help thee; and by the Almighty, who shall bless thee with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that lieth under, blessings of the breasts, and of the womb:”
26) Blessings schemshings!
“The blessings of thy father have prevailed above the blessings of my progenitors unto the utmost bound of the everlasting hills: they shall be on the head of Joseph, and on the crown of the head of him that was separate from his brethren.”
27) That’s Jacob’s last son. Seriously, WTF is Jacob babbling about?
“Benjamin shall ravin as a wolf: in the morning he shall devour the prey, and at night he shall divide the spoil.”
28) Blessings of course are meaningless and valueless.
“All these are the twelve tribes of Israel: and this is it that their father spake unto them, and blessed them; every one according to his blessing he blessed them.”
29) Oh who really cares where you’re buried? You’re dead?
“And he charged them, and said unto them, I am to be gathered unto my people: bury me with my fathers in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite,”
30) Yeah I remember.
“In the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, which Abraham bought with the field of Ephron the Hittite for a possession of a buryingplace.”
31) Yeah I remember that too.
“There they buried Abraham and Sarah his wife; there they buried Isaac and Rebekah his wife; and there I buried Leah.”
32) Zzzzzz Hey almost done!
“The purchase of the field and of the cave that is therein was from the children of Heth.”
33) What? Yielded up the ghost? What a retarded way of saying “died”!
“And when Jacob had made an end of commanding his sons, he gathered up his feet into the bed, and yielded up the ghost, and was gathered unto his people.”
Then this whole religious stupidity of “spirits, souls and ghosts” it just makes people all superstitious and scared like idiots! Also the words “demons”.
I really wish people would grow up and not be so silly.
HEY! TOMORROW’S THE LAST DAY OF GENESIS! YEAH!!!
Aug 29-Thursday> 2013
NICE! The last chapter of Genesis! Gonna take a break for a few days to get Exodus started. Hopefully not long. Maybe 5 weeks. We’ll see.
Ok, where was I? Oh yeah.
1) How tear jerking.
“AND Joseph fell upon his father’s face, and wept upon him, and kissed him.”
2) How did they “embalm” bodies back then? Didn’t they just bury them? Oh wait. They’re in Egypt so it’s saying he had the whole mummifying process then.
“And Joseph commanded his servants the physicians to embalm his father: and the physicians embalmed Israel.”
3) Ok, again we have no evidence of this in anything other than this stupid bible.
“And forty days were fulfilled for him; for so are fulfilled the days of those which are embalmed: and the Egyptians mourned for him threescore and ten days.”
4) Sorry. I’m sure there are people out there who somehow understood this. I’m not one of them.
“And when the days of his mourning were past, Joseph spake unto the house of Pharaoh, saying, If now I have found grace in your eyes, speak, I pray you, in the ears of Pharaoh, saying,”
5) Please do read up on the nonsense that is in the bible regarding “Canaan”.
“My father made me swear, saying, Lo, I die: in my grave which I have digged for me in the land of Canaan, there shalt thou bury me. Now therefore let me go up, I pray thee, and bury my father, and I will come again.”
6) This Pharaoh sure is easy going.
“And Pharaoh said, Go up, and bury thy father, according as he made thee swear.”
7) You gotta be kidding. Let’s seriously think about this. IT’S EGYPT! This story is basically saying that they abandoned all of Egypt. WTF?!
“And Joseph went up to bury his father: and with him went up all the servants of Pharaoh, the elders of his house, and all the elders of the land of Egypt,”
8) So did any of the 100,000 slaves who helped build the pyramids get funerals like this?
What was so great about Jacob again?
“And all the house of Joseph, and his brethren, and his father’s house: only their little ones, and their flocks, and their herds, they left in the land of Goshen.”
9) Seriously? Are people this stupid to think that Pharaoh would even care about Jacob to make such a big deal?
“And there went up with him both chariots and horsemen: and it was a very great company.”
10) Death happens and it’s final. Get over it.
“And they came to the threshingfloor of Atad, which is beyond Jordan, and there they mourned with a great and very sore lamentation: and he made a mourning for his father seven days.”
11) Again, nobody has given any indication why Pharaoh, or all of Egypt would care?
“And when the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites, saw the mourning in the floor of Atad, they said, This is a grievous mourning to the Egyptians: wherefore the name of it was called Abel-mizraim, which is beyond Jordan.”
12) So the bible is showing us to make a big deal and over dramatization of everything.
“And his sons did unto him according as he commanded them:”
13) Repeat repeat repeat.
“For his sons carried him into the land of Canaan, and buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah, which Abraham bought with the field for a possession of a buryingplace of Ephron the Hittite, before Mamre.”
14) Well I should hope they would return. Duh.
“And Joseph returned into Egypt, he, and his brethren, and all that went up with him to bury his father, after he had buried his father.
15) Well would you blame Joesph? Seriously?
“And when Joseph’s brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him.”
16) Oh this is so stupid. They obviously knew 3 chapters ago that Joseph didn’t care any more about the whole selling him for slavery thing.
“And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying,”
17) This story just drags on with pointless babble.
“So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him.”
Oh wait, I forget that this story never happened.
“And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants.”
19) Oh whatever. God schmod. What place?
“And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God?”
20) Yeah, cause all these good things are supposed to be because of God.
“But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.”
21) Oh who cares? Get this chapter over with!?
“Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.”
22) What a dull, pointless story!
“And Joseph dwelt in Egypt, he, and his father’s house: and Joseph lived an hundred and ten years.”
“And Joseph saw Ephraim’s children of the third generation: the children also of Machir the son of Manasseh were brought up upon Joseph’s knees.”
24) Oh great. More foreshadowing about future events WITHIN the bible.
“And Joseph said unto his brethren, I die: and God will surely visit you, and bring you out of this land unto the land which he sware to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob.”
25) Ugh, this is like the last chapter I read and Jacob just goes on and on, Just now I was typing in this very verse commentary and fell asleep for 5 hours. I was almost done too. Not even kidding. 5 hours, now this chapter is bloody boring,
“And Joseph took an oath of the children of Israel, saying, God will surely visit you, and ye shall carry up my bones from hence.”
26) Hey people are dying younger. Only 110.
“So Joseph died, being an hundred and ten years old: and they embalmed him, and he was put in a coffin in Egypt.”
Okay FINALLY finished Genesis! Gonna take about 5 days off this journal though to get some stuff done.
Do check out my Exodus section.